I'm not really certain what happened. Maybe it was the need to be back in the presence of people worshiping Christ.  Maybe it was getting my sights back on something that truly mattered, or perhaps it was the Holy Spirit working His stuff in among hearts that were open to what He was about to do, but all of a sudden my tears began to fall.  I began to weep, and the flood gates of emotions, while trying to get out the words "how great is our God", overwhelmed me to the core.  I wasn't sad, there wasn't anything I had been stuffing down, I wasn't harboring unforgiveness over anything I was aware of.  I just could not stop the tears in thinking how absolutely wonderful God is.  My son and husband looked at me and I said, I don't know what's going on....

Transitioning to a Holy Spirit message from our Pastor about how without downplaying any circumstance, we needed to stop focusing on our "issues" and instead look up and focus on Christ, so we were in a position to actually do something constructive with our circumstance.  By choice, we could work at a resolve through Christ instead of simply pitching a tent and piling on the wood and adding gasoline to fuel the fire of our pity party that we wanted to sit and gaze at.

Testimonies provided later would confirm to me that the Holy Spirit was moving during the service, in which, I'm certain He does more often that we provide Him credit.  Peggy shared that she had some heartbreaking situations take her over during the weekend and when I walked by her to get a tissue for my floodgate of tears, the Spirit, seemed to fall on her and she received some needed healing for her heart.  Marne shared that she could tell that my tears were Holy Spirit inspired and it sparked a fire to worship more deeply than a casual service.

Not bad for some "I don't know why I'm crying" moments...

Yet their was more, as there always is. 

We seem to live in a world where status is important to most.  We have to live to impress, we have to be perfect in the eyes of all those watching, and we have no tolerance towards others who are less fortunate that we perceive we are.  We like to go to church on Sundays so others can identify us as "good", but being careful not to actually live the walk out during the rest of the week, lest someone might say we are not "cool", or even worse, that we might be a religious fanatic. 

But here I was in a group of people that truly believed that Jesus did what He did, said what He said and commanded what He commanded, not because we are confined to some sort of religious rules, but instead the answers to living a fulfilled life under any circumstance.  I love these people, far from perfect, far from flawless, far from "have it all together" but most certainly focused on and living for Christ.

I have been provided the delicate opportunity and extremely important task to teach our youth on occasion.   This week it was my opportunity to invest in these amazing youth in Christ.  I'm telling you, it's truly my honor, as this young generation of world leaders are ready to tackle the lies of the enemy.  They are always engaged in thought, even in the midst of their multitasking ability to be laughing about "farting" and at the same time be engaged in a deep conversation about Christ.  Worldly distraction hasn't taken control of this ability and gifting in them.  I learn more from them than they do from me and I smirk every time they ask if "I'm teaching them".... learning is clearly more accurate.

If you haven't clued in to my inspiration by the title of my blog, I live for "God Moments".  Today was no exception.  In youth bible class, I typically start off with a fun story ~ todays was about a Teddy Bear that traveled the world in a unique way.  After the icebreaker inspirational story we break open in study of the word of God.  I usually pick a chapter of two, we take turns reading and when we are done each student, and yes, each student, engages in what their "take away" was.  They ALL participate, and they all have amazing take aways.  Today's God Moment however, hands down, went to Ashley.  Her favorite part of Acts Chapter 1 was verse 11 that speaks about the apostles standing there looking up to Christ.  Her "insight" or God moment reveal was that Jesus told the disciples that he would be ascending and then would return.  Yet, she recalled, they must not have been listening, because now that it was happening, they seemed like they forgot they were already told.

We are like that too, aren't we?  We go about our lives, some of us reading the word of God, sometimes even studying it.  Maybe we've hung our hats on a few selected verses, or maybe we attend a few church services, until one day, we find ourselves looking up, wishing we would have spent more time actually living for Christ instead of just dabbling in it.  Or perhaps we find ourselves fire gazing at our pity party of circumstances and realize, we simply need to look up for our answers.

Acts 1:11
They said, "Men of Galilee, why are you standing here looking into the sky?  Jesus, whom you saw taken up from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you saw him go.

One of my favorite all time Christian movies is "The Gospel of John".  I remember watching it for the first time and the one thing that jumped out at me and captured my heart was the words, "You did not choose me, but I chose you"...

I remember at first arguing the statement in my head, as I often do, "no that's not true, I did come to you, I did choose you", and then the realization of what it meant to me to be chosen... by God.

Today in church, on this amazing Easter morning, I heard the mention of the words, "you did not choose Him, but He chose you... and I smiled.  I looked around at all the amazing people that God had chosen.  Each and every one of them full of gifts, each different, each unique, equally as important, yet, I'm sure that they have no idea, how truly impactful for the kingdom of heaven they are.  Some know their purpose, some are swimming in purpose prodded on by a circle around them and some are loners quietly sharing their gifts without acknowledgement or need for recognition.

You did not choose Him, He chose you...

The impact of that statement draws me to tears every.single.time.

Sometimes we were not raised in homes of encouragement, many times, we were raised in broken homes full of broken people.  In those homes, we learned how to earn love, beg for love, or settle for anyone who was willing to show us love for a season.  We learned to settle, learned to not have value, not worthy of anything more than the left over scraps thrown about.  Love perhaps looked like many things...but perhaps never genuine.    Or sometimes we were raised in homes full of love, full of encouragement and full of solid foundations.  Perhaps we took that for granted.  

Perhaps in among that brokenness, we found someone that invested in us.  Someone that showed us that we were more than we believed, that took the time to spend time with us, took time to love us in all our brokenness and helped set us back on solid ground...or perhaps we are still waiting for that someone...

You didn't choose Him, He chose you and His name

is Jesus.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.  This is my command: Love each other.
John 15:12-17

My husband and I text often back and forth while we are away from one another.  Daily. This started several years ago, after we nearly neglected and destroyed our marriage.  Throughout the day, we stop and make sure we connect, even through a text.  But this text was different.... "I lack nothing in my marriage" it said...

I stopped.  My heart melted.  "I don't either" was my response, "and I love you so much."

If you know us, you understand.  If not, just know that our marriage was on the brink of ruin, and suicide was in my sights just over 14 years ago, you know that that statement has come through some depths. We've learned so much since coming to Christ.  We've learned to weather the storms, to trust in times of uncertainty, to weep when needed,  to keep on keeping on when hopelessness seems far to real, to rejoice, to encourage, to accept and act upon holy discipline and most of all to give thanks in all circumstances.  Most importantly, know that you will never reach your finish line until eternity, and you must CHOOSE to pick up your cross every. single. day.

All circumstances....  to know what we came out of, to know who saved us.... 

​Christ.

I learn so much from my family.  One thing I've learned is that everyone needs a "Zach" in their lives.  Zach is my oldest son.  He's challenged me in so many ways to avoid "worry".  I am constantly checking in on my family, making sure they don't stumble, fall, or get bumped.  Making sure they are getting my daily "life lessons" that are so imperative to their lives... HA! … it's lecture 101 and no one really loves it, but I'm always trying to avoid anything "bad" happening.  The truth of the matter is, no matter how good I am, or they are, no matter how much I lean in and press into God, or they do, "bad stuff" still happens.  I know this all too well.

But the key is what do you do with the "bad stuff" when it does appear?  Zach will tell you that you don't need to react.  If it happens, it's the way it was supposed to be anyway.  He is set on the fact that we are always on the right track and that as long as we keep our sights on Christ, we are going to be ok.  He believes that choices create circumstances, whether our choices or others, but that through circumstances, God always provides a way to Him.  

In all circumstances.

I can hear the normal responses... "anyone who thinks those things, has never been through ***fill in the blank***".  Which is true, everyone has been though something, and many times, other people may or may not be able to relate, but that doesn't mean that we can't find a common denominator, when it comes to trials of many kinds...

Christ.

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other.  And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not quench the Spirit.  Do not treat prophecies with contempt  but test them all; hold on to what is good,  reject every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.  ~1Thesolonians 5:12-24

The authentic me, is a small town, little house on the prairie gal, who loves the simple things in life.  The kind of person who can not stand the rat race for one single moment.  I am lit up and energized by being in a room full of people, pouring encouragement into them, and on the same token, loves to sit at home and crochet and listen to worship music while I watch the sunset and think of all the things I'm thankful for. 

Yet, there is the Mr. Hyde side of me, that longs to be loved, longs to be accepted, longs to have the big house, fancy things, social standing and status.  And at times, I feed Mr. Hyde with my thoughts, actions and deeds.  When I do, I find myself in a very unsettled condition on so many levels.  I find I begin to convince myself I'm not good enough, rich enough, important enough, or capable enough to have or deserve these things.  From there, I encourage the notion that other people think these same thoughts of me.  

In the last few years, I've made a few changes, mostly because of my "people pleasing" tendencies.  I've removed nearly all social media connections with people.  I find although I love being around a crowd of people, I could not find the wilderness in social media, nor a way to escape and be alone.  Now when I say "alone", I used to think it was my time to be a "hermit".  I've since realized that is not what I was doing at all.  It was actually the time I needed to get alone with God, with my thoughts, with my authentic self, my heart, my true emotions, my true needs, struggles, and thoughts.  A time to get rid of distractions, yes, distractions, the need to be in people's business, or checking my social media account every 30 seconds to see what I had missed.  During that time of distraction, I found I was more concerned about men than about God.  I noted all the events I wasn't invited to, the friends I didn't have, the parties I didn't attend, the money I lacked, the looks I admired, the trips I couldn't take, the contact with true personal relationships that were slipping out of existence into a cyber world masked by the false appearance of "connection". I found my focus and perspective reflecting the popular likes on social media instead of the truth about God.

If you've never done so, I would highly encourage you to take some time to get away from everything.  Find a place where there are no camera's, cell phones, social media, people, and instead turn up the worship music.  Find a place you can sing without the fear of listeners, dance without the fear of watchers.  Pandora, YouTube, and other free resources have excellent channels of worship.  Drown out the sounds of distraction and just get consumed and saturated in Christ and all He has done and is doing.  Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide and lead you into all truth.  Maybe you need to just soak in His mercy, maybe you need to repent in His forgiveness, maybe you need to scream questions of "WHY GOD?" in His wisdom, maybe you need to crawl into the arms of His acceptance.  Whatever your need, He is the answer.  

Then, when your God tank is overflowing, go share this with others... not on social media. Instead, make personal, real life connections with others.  Take time to invest, truly invest in relationships.  Stop solely hiding behind distractions of computer screens and cell phones and live.  If my Pastor taught me one thing before he transitioned into eternity, it was that purpose was about making genuine personal connections with others.  He made it his life purpose to invest and build others up in Christ.  No one sought dependence on him, but instead dependence on Christ, because that is what he pointed too. 

When we enter eternity, may it be said of us, that we took the time to invest in others, and in every connection that God placed in our path, that we pointed to Christ.
 
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  ~Matthew 11: 28-30

I found myself consumed by thoughts of "comparison", or perhaps better yet, "covetousness".  I hadn't done that for quite some time, but in this particular situation, I couldn't help but see how evident it was, that I simply wasn't good enough, nor would I ever be.  I had been through a few weeks of testing.  One week comparing my home, finances and belongings to those of other families, to the next week, the friendships of others, that I realized, once again, I didn't have.

As I often do, I whirl winded into thoughts of self pity, longing for things I didn't have, from there to my family dynamics, my past, my childhood, to my broken home, to my broken relationships, to me... broken.

It's true, all of those things, tangible, evident, and repetitive.  It all led back to me.  Truth...however, is not synonymous with circumstance. 

Yes, I can assure you in my self loathing, pity party of emotions that I can still provide you solid facts of why and how these things exist.  Right down to the last revelation of my downward spiral, but I assure you, these things, although, true, although painful, although real, does not mean it's "TRUTH".

I thought back to the first couple years my husband and I were married.  We had very little, but we were always very happy.  I think we struggled at a mere $16,000 a year income between the two of us.  We didn't have a spare bed for friends, but we put a mattress on the floor and always had friends stay over.  We didn't have a fancy vehicle, but we had a cool old truck that we'd drive in snow and mud while we laughed and laughed.  We didn't have a nice house, but my Grandpa always stopped over to play skip-bo.  We didn't have a lake cabin, but we had family that loved to camp and tenting in pouring rain was always a memory maker.  Then, once we had kids, we didn't seem to have money for fancy gifts, but I learned to make a really cool SpongeBob cake for $2.49 and there was never enough cake for the amount of people who showed up to celebrate with us.
​
As for the last several years, sadly, I let some major set backs over take me.  I let myself believe some pretty harmful things, lies really, that although I could provide evidence of and I could prove without reasonable doubt they exist, weren't "TRUTH", but I wooed them non the less.

I took some time to listen to my Pastor on some old podcasts.   He passed away a year ago now, so I'm so thankful for technology in this way.  Interestingly enough, I found once again, in his unusually gifted ability to read my mail, he continuing to do so, even though his sermons recorded several years ago.

Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Matthew 6:19-21

"Do not think for a moment that the things you think you lack are going to make you happy" His voice rang out.  "If you find yourself consumed with wanting anything more than more of Jesus, you need to reevaluate your heart and your motives.  I assure you, "things" will not fill the void that only Christ can.

I thought of this man...this man that time and time again took time out of his life, his very extremely busy schedule, to call me on a God prompt, to see if I was ok.  If I didn't answer, which many times, I didn't, he would show up on my door step, 70 miles out of his way.  Not out of obligation, but because he genuinely loved me.  He genuinely knew that my heart was broken from rejection and bitterness, loneliness and insecurity, and he time and time again, found me in my hiding and called me into God's purpose for my life.  

Not only did he do this for me... but for countless others, countless, and he followed up with each and every one of his flock like this until the day he left for eternity.

I stepped outside of my pity party, I regrouped.  I refocused my sights on Christ. 

We can certainly spend time, where ever we desire, but sometimes, we might figure out we have just spent the last 40 years wandering in the desert, on the same old abuse, pain, hurt, negativity, fear, doubt and we've like a broken record, stuck on repeat, rehearsed it over and over again...
OR
we can regroup, reassess, set our sights like flint towards Christ and we can possess the promise land God assured us of, void of things, but full in Christ.  I'm no longer a slave to fear...I am a Child of God. 

#FinishStrong!

I haven't blogged much in quite sometime.  Many excuses why.  None of them hold water.  As of late, however, I've really had to evaluate myself, my blog, my heart, my direction, my life.  Does it reflect Christ, in a way, that would lead others there?

My answer is a solid no.  My life however, is a solid yes.

I was sent an article from a friend, regarding a Pastor that our family watches in the morning.  Really, we'd watch any Pastor that comes on at 7 a.m. because it's the time our family gathers in the living room, eating breakfast, just prior to us all walking out the door at 7:30 a.m. for work.  We used to watch Joyce Meyer, but she was replaced with James McDonald for the 7 a.m. slot.  The last couple weeks, a new Pastor for us, Robert Jeffress has now moved into that slot, and we've continued to enjoy listening to his perspective on Christ and life.  I did however, wonder what happened to James...until I received this article from my friend.

This article, and several others I researched, basically ended stating James was a demon from hell... 

I thought about my own life...and I quickly shot out a text to my trusted circle of people I lean on for wisdom and to help me sort out my thoughts.  These people are people I've learned, have my best interest in mind, with Christ as their forefront, and are able to tell me when they feel my thoughts or actions are not really lining up with Christ.  Sometimes they give me warm fuzzies, sometimes, a kick in the pants, sometimes their advice is not for me, sometimes it is, and sometimes, yes sometimes.... they are wrong.

Does that make them demons from hell?

Wait, let me take a look at my own flawed life.  It's full of daily, "I wish I hadn't said, done and thought that's".  It's full of mistakes, it's full of inappropriate F bombs on occasion, it's full of not Christ like characteristics, it's full of impure thoughts, actions, deeds.  If you were to analyze my life from a media standpoint, you would probably have very little evidence I even believe in Christ.

Folks, I can't be anymore honest with you than that.  That's my heart in a nutshell.

So back to that text I sent to my trusted circle.... "I sincerely don't want to blog anymore", I wrote..."I don't want to be a stumbling block to others, nor do I want to try to convince anyone that I look remotely like Christ, when I don't".  The reply simply said... I sincerely hope you process this in a healthy way... we could all use that excuse to stop using our gifts".

Yep...my trusted circle.  Left me with something to take to God....

Because that's what you do in life folks...you follow Christ, and not people. You test their words and your own, up to Gods.  We weren't meant to sit on God's pedestal, not to the right or the left of it either, I mean not even in the chairs surrounding His throne.  That alone is God's.  We were meant to be imitators of Christ, but certainty not Christ.  I mean, otherwise, why would we have a need for him.

A few months ago, Lauren Daigle was in the "spotlight" for saying she didn't know if homosexuality was a sin.  I believe her music reflects she is a Christian artist and as far as what the Bible says is sin...homosexuality falls in line with lying, cheating, stealing, adultery, fornication, drunkardness, lust, coveting and many many others... yes it's sin...and we are called to point it out. What we do with it from there, needs to be left up to God, who is in control, even when we are not.  So her answer, though wrong, certainly did not make her a demon from hell....or an unbeliever for that matter.  How quick we are to jump to that statement.

Instead, it pointed towards our desperate need for Christ...for all of us, in all of us, on a daily basis.

People tell me what I should blog about all the time.  "Don't blog about other people, or use other people to tell a story"....they say.  But that's what I do.  Real life, authentic emotions...

process....

all of it....process, my process, my perspective.  Not God's...mine...but hopefully, through that process, you see my struggles between my flesh, my thoughts, vs Gods.  They are definitely not in the same ballpark, but through process, hopefully they are getting closer.

I find it amusing that we will put Lady Gaga, or P!nk, Current President Trump, Prior President Obama, Hillary Clinton, or others on a pedestal, and we will fight each other to prove that what they say, do or sing, is gospel... have you tested it to the Word of God?

I'm not meant to be followed folks.  Neither is your Pastor, a pop star, an actor or any other person sharing Christ or otherwise.  Stop looking at their lives to see perfection...you won't see it.  If a brother is "caught like a fish" in sin... those of you who are not struggling in that area, or have found the way to escape the fish hook, should gently restore them... because you will need them when you've stumbled upon your own snare...

Instead...look to Christ.  Seek wise council, and then measure it to Christ...look at your own heart, does it need Christ...yes...look at this world, does it need Christ....yes.

We are not demons from hell...we are Christ followers...or looking for a purpose to be, if correction needs to take place in our lives, and it does, then gently restore that person...don't condemn them...Satan does a good enough job on his own, he doesn't need our help.

I am desperately flawed...Christ is not.

In today's world, and any time in history for that matter, it's imperative that we gain wisdom.  Not the type of wisdom that you get in the colleges, or the local coffee shop, but the kind that the biblical Word, combined with the Holy Spirit living in your heart, teaches.  

One thing I know for sure in this daily journey is that each day I have to push back my flesh and many days force feed myself the Word of God.  And I mean force feed.  I'm not going to play the excuse that I am legalistic if I feel like I have to get into the word each day...It's my lifeline.  One day without it and I'm living my fleshly life out in thoughts and deed. 

I'm an honest Christian.  I'm very vulnerable.  Very dependent on Christ to lead me.  There's is no doubt that my life reflects my need for Christ, Every. Single. Day.  I'm not one of those Christians that can say, look at me, I have it all together.  I'm the one that says, "Look at Him, He Never Changes"!

I need that steadfastness.  I crave it.  

I think of what the world would be like if we not only knew the word, but lived it.  I mean really lived it, like it was a normal part of our lives.  Can you imagine what the world would be like?

We ready the Bible tonight and I couldn't help but notice that God chastises those He loves.  Like Adam and Eve for instance.  After they got past the blame game and throwing each other under the bus, they confessed to God what had happened and what they had done.  God wasn't shy with the chastisement of their disobedience.  I mean not only did Adam and Eve get punished, but we are all still getting punished...but forgiveness was in God's forefront.  Although they were cast out of the garden, for their own good, God covered their nakedness and shame and immediately informed them of His plan to sacrifice His only Son for their sin and ours.

I'm not afraid of discipline, God's discipline.  I've been disciplined through anger and also through love.  There's a difference.  I don't run around telling people not to judge me, nor do I pick out all the love verses in the bible and throw out all the rest...I embrace it all, knowing there are times I need correction, and times I need His comfort and love.

​#GodMoments 

Don't miss a single one, they are all worth it.  Keep growing in His knowledge each day.

We all wait for it, every year, anticipating the new year to start a new chapter in our lives, a new page, new goals and this time we are going to stick with them!

And then January 1st slowly passes and we slowly loose sight of our goals once again.

But there's always next year right?  Or, better yet, there's today.  

Today....

Let's take the time to live in it, for it, only dealing with each second, like a watchman, keeping care not to miss any moments.  And I mean any...like zero.  Not a breath, not a cry, not a pain, not a sorrow, not a whisper, not a glance, not a smile, not a tear, not a need, none. Period.  We only have 24 hours and we tend to sleep for 8 of them, so let's be intentional about making each moment count. 

Let's turn them into #GodMoments 

We have this ridiculous ritual that we think that we have to be completely perfect when we come to Christ.  Let's give ourselves some breathing room and just simply come.  I mean seriously.  Let's just show up.  Let's tell God that this day is His.  All of it, every single second, intentional about each scent in the air and every noise in our ear.  About what we are allowing to enter into our minds, ears and eyes and what is coming out of our hearts and mouths.

Let's let the world go, all the advertisements, the political banters, the Hollywood movies, the fame, the fortune, the troubles, the temptations, and the religious organization. The world will take care of itself, as we take care of our spiritual health.  #GodMoments

We can't change the world, but we can allow God to change us.  When God changes you, your atmosphere changes.

But Ang, there will still be troubles....

Of course there will, we aren't in heaven, we are on earth and on earth, troubles will remain.  But we will offer hope, as we will walk this life out, through Christ, fully dependent on His Ways, His Word and His Will.  Today...

Just Today.

#GodMoments2019

I want to meet and surround myself with people who have mastered this command from Christ.  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." I want to learn what it means to put the past behind you, and for good, once and for all.  I guarantee you, when I'm on a mission to learn something from Christ, I jump in over my head in study and ambition.  I mean, I will certainly throw a couple tempter tantrums along the way, cry in the shower, beg God, throw a couple more temper tantrums and then all of a sudden in one single God Moment, it will happen...

FREEDOM!!!
 
I know, because this is the way it always happens for me.

I spend a great deal of my life in my past.  When I say a great deal, I'm not aggerating in the least.  Like ridiculous, imaginary, broken record, play it over and over and over and over, until you have it so memorized, it's on auto repeat and the button to shut it off is broken. 

Yep, that's my learned behavior.  But as I love to point out, I'm on God's potters wheel. Painful at times, comforting at times, beautiful at times and crumple up, start from scratch, exhausting at times, but in the hands of the Potter none the less.  Trusting Him, that through all of my learned behavior, through all my poor choices, through all my broken records, through all my fleshly desires, He will create in me a new heart. 

Always process, forever changing.

So first on my exploration for freedom, I find scripture that tells me for sure, I'm on the right journey.  That I've been hit in the heart with a mission and instead of telling God or anyone else for that matter "not to judge me", I've answered with a yes Lord, this is going to look messy Lord, and I might fight it tooth and nail Lord, BUT...

You Lord, know best, and in You is freedom, even when I have to obey.

First I want to make sure that the word I'm searching for is accurate.  So I'm going to pick out the keyword; PAST.  I find numerous scriptures to read and I meditate on them.  I read them slow and I absorb what God is saying.  While doing all this, I also think of what it means to let my flesh down.  It's a bit painful, my flesh is as hungry as someone on a diet restricted of chocolate, with a pile of chocolate chip cookies heaping on a perfect plate on my kitchen table.

"It's not going to be easy", I tell God.  God reminds me that His yolk is easy and His burden is light.  He does this to me a lot when I argue.  I love that.  I love that He talks to me.  It comforts me.  It prods me forward.  It reminds me, as my Pastor had to do often, I'm not a victim, I'm a Victor, through Christ.  I remember the first time I heard God's voice, years ago, when I was ready to end my life and He gently but matter of fact instructed me, audibly "You won't get to heaven".  I've never heard His voice audibly again, but I'll never forget what it sounded like, and I've learned to listen for that voice internally ever since.  I love that when we are quiet and we wait on that still small voice, God still takes time to walk with us in His garden.

So I start to reason, "what has dwelling on the past ever done for me"?  NOTHING!  Opens up wounds, makes me bleed, gets infected, scabs over, I pick at it, it repeats, and then causes an ugly scar that I'm forced to look at for the rest of my life, which in turn simply grows an ugly bitter root and attaches to my heart.  Eventually, if I allow Him to, God's going to have to do some major surgery, without any anesthesia, extremely painful and cut away at that root like a tumor that's dug in deep.  Then I will have to spend months in recovery.  So...why don't I just do what He says in the first place...  

"Forget the past".

Simple. But ok, how?  Like I have zero idea how.

And God reminds me, that I can't do it on my own.  I mean I can try, get beat up, cover myself in band aids and try again, or I can just be willing.  Willing to let Him teach me, in my daily walk, how to let go of the past, to keep my eyes on Him.  I know this means I will be tested, and I know they say get ready because the tests will come, but since I know that they are coming, and I know that God can do all things, and since I know God, through the Holy Spirit, lives in me, I know I'm ready.  Prepared and equipped with every spiritual tool and blessing.

Ready for freedom.  In one single God Moment, it will happen.