I received a text the other day that said.  "You know what the scriptures say about trusting man right?"  My response was quick from years of experience.  "Yep don't!" "Trust is for God, forgiveness is for man, matter of fact, we are told that we can't even trust ourselves!"

God does not have the ability to lie.  Isn't that something?  No matter what you like or don't like about God and His word, one thing you never have to debate is wether it is true or not. God absolutely can not lie, it is not in His nature or ability to do so.  Nor is it in His ability to sin or be swayed by sin.  God will never waiver.  And when we consider our eternity we will either absolutely love that, knowing that there is One in our life that we can ultimately trust, or it might scare the dickens out of us that think we can manipulate God to do what we want.

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
`Proverbs 3:5

Life has such an inspiring way to it.  I'm really in a season in my life, seeing the balance between love, grace and mercy and love, discipline and instruction.  The important part here is to see that love...is intertwined in both.

I've been studying Romans.  Mostly because I'm still learning so stinking much in my Christian walk.  (Besides how to spot my own grammar errors).  Our family always soaks so much in from the book of Romans.  This time, I felt it necessary to really study it.  Why?  Because I'm watching a God Moment unfold between a Jew and a Gentile right now and I need Paul's advice as to how to see it through God's eyes.

See...Romans was written during a period where God had adopted the Gentile children. These Children of His, were not followers of the law that had been such a huge part of the Jew's lives.  My last 10 yrs in study of the Bible, as well as the countless number of sermons I listened to, leaves a bad taste in mouth about those Pharisees and Sadducees.  Until recently. These people were the Holy people in nature, they loved God very much and they took great pride in following and obeying his laws.  They were highly disciplined in nature doing their absolute best to follow Gods scrolls.  Can you imagine the change in the atmosphere when God brought in the lawless Gentiles and Paul had to try to convince them that they were also God's children...those that never followed the law were still acceptable to God, because of Christ?

It made me think of being at the swimming pool when my children were little.  The lifeguards were always screaming "STOP RUNNING"  "NO!" while the whistle blew for the 10th time I heard OK THAT'S IT, OUT OF THE POOL FOR TEN MINUTES!".  We always rolled our eyes at those strict law following lifeguards.  They never let us go up the slide the wrong way, go down the slide the wrong way, they wouldn't let us play tag, or dive in from the shallow end. They stopped the cannon balls, the belly flops and the water wrestling.  They were fun haters!

Or....were they?

The same conflict happens today in our churches.  You have on one hand the Christians that are called to prophesy, to warn, to obey instruction, understand discipline and obedience and who have a reverent fear of God.  Then on the other hand you have those Christians that you swore just came out of the 70s peace movement...all about love and grace and mercy, no cares in the world...you are loved man... period.  Peace man!

Are either wrong?  No...Paul says so in Romans.  There is a balance and each side plays a vital role.  But you couldn't tell the Jews and the Gentiles that.  Each of them fighting for the "right way" when without each other, there is no such thing.  God has a perfect blend of love, complete with grace, mercy, instruction and discipline.  All extremly vital and must be present in all churches!

After all, if your child was running into the busy intersection after a run away ball, you certainly would not sing, have a safe journey, I love you...peace to you.  You'd scream STOP!!! You would warn them, in a stern way, you'd go after them, you'd give them a lecture why they can't run after a ball in a busy street with speeding traffic.  Why? Because you love your child. And if your child is playing football and he misses the winning touchdown, you would not typically get in his face and scream what a looser he is (and if you do, you need to visit with your Pastor) you would instead instruct him that "listen", you know how much he loves the game, and that with continued practice he will continue to better each next time.  You don't give up...you simply practice more, you study, you keep on keeping on, you don't stop at one self proceived failure!

Same is for our Christian walk friends...for those of you with the gift of grace and mercy, appreciate your fellow lifeguards.  And you Pharisee out there, be thankful for your 70s peace co-partners in ministry.  

Together...through Christ, you will move mountains!

I remember working for a prominent attorney and during a discussion about a case, the words 10's do not marry 2's came out.

Instantly, I was furious!  I tend to side with the 2s in life.  I really do.  I relate. I lift up, I edify.  I don't relate to the 10s.  At all.  I've never had a silver spoon, or been handed a ticket to a golden education.  I don't know what I would do with it, if I did receive it.  I've never been mentored to be a 10, I wasn't born into a 10 life...

Wait, what?

What is a 10...?

I was listening to Katy Perry's hit "This Is How We Do" and she sings "

I remember as a little girl, my mom with her black and blue eyes and dislocated shoulder, the bloody towels thrown in the cellar, the screaming, the fear, the control, and the anger in our home.  I also remember the absent father,  the rejection, the cries of my heart that wounded me as a person in this world.  I remember the alcoholism, the lifestyle, being alone, the criticism, the confusion of support and love, the unstable conditions,  the disillusionment, the lack of direction.

To this day I still don't know my worldly directions.  I have no sense of it.

Now that I am saved by Jesus Christ, those things should be thought of no more.  They should be forgiven, they should be dealt with, they should be resolved.  But many times, I find myself still wrestling with God on the subjects of my past.  My thoughts that haunt my life, the words that won't let me move on from my prison doors, which by the way, are wide open thanks to Christ.

"You are worthless, I don't have time for you, you will never amount to anything.  You are disposable and the best way to hurt you is to withdraw love."

I've looked in a million doors, holes and crevices for ways to fill those empty spaces. Which actually are not really empty, they are full of negative energy, which only feels empty.  In reality, that negative is secretly and quietly filling the "God whole" with tar that eventually suffocates our hope, our breathe, our heart, our spirits.  I've tried a billion ways to fill that void with empty calories.  The entire time, thank God, wrestling with God.  He isn't affected by withdrawing love...like I've learned, is the best way to hurt others and isolate myself so I can make all those words people spoke over me come true.

After all, I'm not lovable, I've learned I'm disposable, worthless, not worth anyone's time, a failure that won't amount to anything.

For 31 years I wrestled with God on these matters, and the additional matters I've added to my already dysfunctional life by the choices I made to fill the voices the demons whispered in my ear, all the while wrestling with God.

Wrestling with God....

What a beautiful thing...

The entire time, I wrestled with God.  Hitting Him, scratching Him, biting Him, spitting on Him, punching Him, kicking Him, screaming at Him, calling Him names, pulling His hair, gouging at His eyes, withdrawing my love from Him...

Yet, He never let Go.

He held on to me.

He convinced me I was worth it, I had His full attention, all His time, all His love.

He never let go....

No matter how much I fought with Him, no matter how much I rejected Him, no matter how many times, I listened to the demonic voices ... He never forsake me.  Nothing could keep me from His love... nothing.

Then one day, something happened.  I stopped hating Him, I began to love Him, and that day, He gave me a new name.

He called me....

HIS.

I love studying and teaching the Word of God.  More than anything else in the world.  I am not sure when it was, what it is, what captured my heart, what stuck, what inspired me, and what created the desire and passion to share His truth, but the fire is there.

I also am inspired by countless others that are inspired to do the same.  There isn't many.  Churches sit empty, or less than full. Yet, if you strike up a conversation about Christ, you will find there are more voices than we think.  But less than we need.

I've gone through so many seasons in my ministry.  I've tried to give up.  I've tried to preach boldly, I've tried to be compassionate to everyone's needs.  It's a beautiful and frustrating learning process. But it's also freeing.

I've listened to other Christ followers and critiqued their sermons, or study, paging though scripture and picking apart everything they've said and using the discernment scripture to justify it.  All the while tearing the hearts out of those that are diligently seeking God's word just as I am.  I'm glad God allows us learning without shame.  But I'm also thankful that God gives us the ability to ask forgiveness and correct our actions as HE gently guides us.

This learning journey started a few years ago, with an issue in the church.  With everything I was and learned, I tried not to take on the spirit of offense, but Satan found a weakness in me and I chose to stop fighting the good fight of faith and threw in the white flag.  Standing and facing this situation would have allowed me to grow.  Instead, I retreated as is common for me to do and instead chose to work it out on my own.  

So 2 yrs later, which is kind of my time frame for issues... set in and here I am with God's lessons.

I was approached by several people in the last year who are noticing the same offense I did.  One by one they are leaving the church as I did.  Same offense and feeling justified because for one, there is a true offense that is not being addressed, and for two, that offensive yeast is growing.  It's not that this group of people are wrong, but a home divided against itself can not stand.  Right now the house is divided.

So what is the answer?

God ~ Jesus ~ Holy Spirit

I truly believe that there is a need to address sin in the church.  It's uncomfortable, it's messy and you run the chance of ruining relationships.  Truth can do that.  But what is truth?  My truth, their truth or God's truth?  My background wants me to jump into my 80-90's self help guru's and begin learning the art of people pleasing and success and growing and gaining respect and numbers and power.  My background also has intolerance of certain behavior.  But what about my certain behaviors and backgrounds that aren't of God.  Because I have loads of them!  Like giving up...and running when things get tough.  Ministries doesn't last on quitting. Perhaps I could learn something by reading Parable of the Persistent Widow .  I have one thing going for me.  I don't give up on God, now I need to learn to not give up on people.

Perhaps also, we can learn something from the Parable of the Pharisee and Tax Collector.  We can certainly become Pharisee's in so many ways.  We can start critiquing our brothers and sisters in Christ and use discernment scripture to justify it.  Or perhaps we can be loud and successful in front of others, or we can be as we are.  Tax Collectors.  I received a revelation one day that completely changed by perspective.  That revelation was this: We are all students with ONE TEACHER.  That teacher is Jesus Christ.  The rest of us are simply walking through life in trial and error, being taught by One Teacher, One God.  The reason Jesus was the true teacher and mentor, was because He was and is authentically God in flesh walking with us, teaching us His way. He doesn't need us to teach, he needs us to be scholars and do our best to encourage others by our experiences and testimonies of His Goodness.  He provided the Holy Spirit, HIS Spirit to live in us, to be led like the pillar of fire by night, and the cloud by day, yet that Spirit is in us at all times, if we ask.  We grow our knowledge, by getting into God's word, and avoiding our own opinions and thoughts.  We need to become like minded with Christ.  

We are always going to have faults, we can always be exposed, we can always teach false doctrines, but if we truly have a heart for Christ and seek His word, truth and deed, our mistakes should not stop us from sharing God's word, or from learning.  We are not the teacher, we are the students.  We can learn from children, Jesus says so.  Children. The ones we tend to teach, can teach us.  We can honor those that do not deserve honor and we can love those that are hard to love...even if it's ourselves.