I remember telling God...if you are going to take away all my friends, at least let me live in a secluded area so I can't see them.  Strange at how God both prepares your heart and teaches you kingdom lessons.  He was preparing my heart at that time and I knew it, but my perspective was on my earthy needs, my old way of thinking and a heart dependant on people instead of God.

I was thinking about John being exiled to Patmos this morning.  If you haven't yet read the Bible, John was the "beloved" disciple of Jesus, and Patmos was where the Roman Empire exiled him to for preaching Jesus.  All the rest of Jesus disciples were killed, one committed suicide, but John was left all alone on an island.  It may seem like John was spared, however, in all actuality the disciples that were killed, were instantly reunited with Christ.  John had to live isolated and wait for old age to reunite him. It's like watching the History Channels Season of "Alone" having to survive with only the provisions of God available on the island, with temperatures typically ranging from 54-81 degrees, until John was the age of around 94. Either way, God has a plan regardless of the outcome, and John was never alone.  John wrote the entire book of Revelation, while talking directly to Jesus on the isolated island of Patmos.

I look back on moments in my life where I felt isolated, alone, dark, worthless, and hopeless. Now I can see, what I couldn't then, what God was doing in my life.  He is absolutely amazing and handles each person delicately, with lessons catered specifically for your own heart.  You might be able to relate to others, but God targets your needs delicately and specifically to heal you in the only way you can be healed.  

By Trusting Him....

I have a tendency to put people on pedestals, way above myself.  I don't have trouble looking down to people, I have trouble looking up.  I've never had to worry about lifting people up, they were already up there.  I was the maggot on the floor waiting for a drop of bread crumb.  I could give you numerous reasons that this was the way I perceived life, but I did.  A lot of my time was spent asking God how to fix hurts in my life that my mouth would utter in tears and pain.  I didn't know how to reach the place that everyone else was.  They were out of my reach, well at least that's what my perspective thought.  Until I began to get to know these pedestal people.  They were flawed, just like me.  But somehow, they didn't show it as well.  Perhaps they didn't care about their flaws, perhaps they did but couldn't let anyone see it due to pride, perhaps it was simply my perspective, or perhaps they did what needed to be done.

They Trusted Him....

God did put me, in essence, on the island of Patmos.  It was painful for awhile, lonely, dark, depressing, frustrating, like being in a padded room with the deafening sounds of silence.  Silence...silence...until I heard the whisper of Christ.  It was amazing, now, I'm not talking about hearing voices.  I only heard God audibly one time...it was when I was going to take my own life, but meaning hearing God, like from the inside.  It's hard to articulate, unless you've heard it, because you don't really "hear it" but it's the voice of hope, of love, of instruction.  At that moment, my perspective changed.  I am alone, a lot, meaning minus people, but it provides me an opportunity to be with God in the Garden, just Him and I.  

I've learned that people don't belong on pedestals.  They don't want to be there.  Even people that put themselves there don't want to be there.  They are so afraid of making a mistake in front of others that they have to live a life of constant anxiety.  They have to lie, boast, shut people out and cut others down.  When we put others on pedestals, we put them on false expectations they can never measure up to.  Through my time on the "island of Patmos" I've learned how to be at peace with being alone.  I've learned how to stand in Christ.  I've learned how to not compare myself to others and to be the person God created me to be. Looking back, although it was lonely, I now see it as beautiful, and beautifully orchestrated.  

There is only one who sits on a thrown. His name is Jesus and he is worthy of our trust.  He is the Lamb of God who takes away our sin and makes us alive again.

And he lusted after her...secretly, while his wife took their children to the park.  Sounds like a novel doesn't it.... or perhaps real life.

Proverbs are the books of God's wisdom.  If you ever want to discern between the world and God's ways, Proverbs is the book to read.  There is one Proverb a day for each day of the month.  It's like a daily Bible read for you built right into the word of God.  Day 5, Proverbs 5 -Warning Against Adultery, continually reminds me of the adultery that occurred in my own marriage, both my own and my husbands.  It's a painful reminder of how we almost ruined our lives and how God interceded to change our direction and save our family.

We are creatures of love and attention.  With that being said, we can look for that love in so many different ways.  We have our own ideas about how we want our "fairytale" lives to look and when our marriages fail to meet our standards, we search to find it, other ways.  Destructive ways.  Temporary fixes that just bury us deeper in our confusion, add to our pain and complicate our already twisted lives.

I do, currently, have a "fairytale" marriage.  It isn't because my husband and I changed our marriage, as much as we changed our direction and our focus.  We directed our love seeking to finding God and in doing so, God healed our marriage.  Our lives did not change as much as our perspective changed.  Now we are overflowed with love, more than we can contain, and we don't have to search for it.  It's there, it's overflowing, and it is in abundance without lack.

As people, we can search for love, too many times, in the wrong place.  We blindly accept that love and sex are synonymous.  So, we go to concerts and tours named "the truth about love" when it should really say, the "truth about sex".  Sexual and explicit influences are in everything...our commercials, our magazines, our marketing, our billboards, our TV’s and our computers.  But you won't find the truth about "love" in them.  You will find a lot of sex.

Let's not get confused.

The truth about love...is found in Christ.

Proverbs 5 isn't just talking about sex either.  It isn't just about cheating on your spouse through emotional or sexual relationships with other people; it's about cheating on God.  Anything that steals you away from your relationship with God is adultery.  You can live life in this world without it being weird.  You can live faithfully to Jesus and mentor that standard in your ways and your words.  God is jealous; he does love you with a passion and fire that is unlike anything you've ever experienced.  He wants to lavish you with gifts and blessings.  He wants it to be personal, so strong that the world can't pull you away.  He will supply all of your needs...yet sometimes, we want the attention of someone/something else...and we walk away from the best thing that ever happened to us.

Let's be alert to the enemies devices.

Proverbs 5 
21 For your ways are in full view of the Lord,
    and he examines all your paths.
22 The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them;
    the cords of their sins hold them fast.
23 For lack of discipline they will die,
    led astray by their own great folly.

Too many swings are empty. I've been through enough things in life where I've experienced a lot of massive blows of disappointments as well as simple irritations and frustrations.  Bottom line is we are not here for our own purpose, but we are here to know our purpose.

Yesterday I heard from 4 different individuals, all suffering from a depressive state.  I get it.  I was there once.  It's dark.  It's hopeless and you truly don't see a way out. Every time you attempt to dig out, you feel like the walls just collapse around you and you're just sinking instead.  Until you finally stop fighting and give up.

Too many people give up.  I know what that's like.  I almost gave up too.

Depression is scary, and unstable and lonely and hopeless.  You will probably agree that most times you reach out for friends and family and things to save you...only to find the walls cave in, and you're just sinking deeper. You might even blame people for not being there, yet sometimes, you have to battle things alone.

Too many people give up. I know what that's like.  I almost gave up too.

It's hard to explain to people the relationship with Christ.  Too many people focus on "church doctrine" to save them.  They look at Christian behavior to try to mentor.  Yet, they find fault, and failure, and get even more discouraged.  The body of Christ is flawed, they always will be...we aren't following the body of Christ...we are following Christ.  Together.

Too many people give up.  I know what that's like.  I almost gave up too.

There's something to be said about "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."  Now don't try to twist it.  Sometimes, we make poor decisions, we do stupid things, we do things we know eventually will destroy us, but we've gotten numb to certain areas in our lives and we try to block them out, by filling them with mistakes. God doesn't make mistakes.  You were created with purpose...but sometimes, we stray from that purpose.  So when you say you were born that way...consider if that is really the case, or if you've just gone down a road that has lead you to where you are.  God's road is never too far off your path...people get lost....but God is GPS... He knows exactly where you are, you just have to ask.

Too many people give up.  I know what that's like.  I almost gave up too.

I fell in love with Christ 11 yrs ago.  It's been an incredible journey.  I've been healed of many things; depression, anxiety, rejection, pain, hurts, unforgiveness, unworthiness and insecurity, just to name to a couple.  Not to mention all the gifts I've been given, all the God Moments I've seen.  The joy, the peace, the fight, the victory.  I wish I knew how to give it away to those that are still giving up and make them see that the best part of getting knocked down is the feeling of standing back up.

Proverbs 4
24 Keep your mouth free of perversity;
    keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead;
    fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
    and be steadfast in all your ways.
27 Do not turn to the right or the left;
    keep your foot from evil.
​

Right now, both my Grandpa and my husband’s Grandma are in the nursing homes.  I honestly thought they'd live forever.  Even if they didn't live forever, I thought they would always be strong.  My Grandpa Rusty is my rock.  He's always been the “stable” in my life.  He has always been there with unending wisdom, love and support.  He has been the strongest influence in my life by far in comparison to anyone else in my life. But he's not worldly strong anymore.  He doesn't even remember me most days.

With both Grandparents in the nursing homes it is getting everyone prepared and talking about last wishes, burial arraignments, and who's in charge of making what decisions.  Money always comes up.  Who is going to get what...?  I hate that part.  People learn how to hate each other when the topic of money comes in.  We'd all like to have a little more in our pockets, secure our futures, bless our kids...but we just don't all have money, and we all think we deserve the best and we don't want to share anything. Greed and Control runs the world. We tear our families apart by wanting the things our Grandparents worked to build, without money, in the Dirty 30s.  

But last night, something jumped inside my spirit and it was one of the best moments I've ever had with a family member.  As we were going through their final wishes in what they wanted done, I said, without even thinking "maybe you already have, maybe you haven't, but regardless, the only thing I care about is if you've given your life to Christ, everything else is just trivial."

The responses were almost a little comical - "If he wants me, he'll take me."  "I'm not changing my ways."  "I'm not going to start going to church now."  "I know church people that go to church on Saturday night so they can turn around and go get drunk...what good is that?" "I don't want to be lonely in heaven; all my friends are in hell."

I didn't miss a beat...and I won't here either...absolutely none of those things have anything to do with asking Jesus into your life, nor are any of them truth.

When I gave my life to Christ, it's like it lit massive purpose in my life. Like I was actually worth something to someone.  I wanted to do everything I could to learn, and be loved and worthy of love to someone.  Giving your life to Christ...doesn't have to look like, for you, as it did for me.  I have to admit, I even jumped in further than I thought possible.  I was just looking to go to church on Sundays...  

But what I want to make sure that you know is that all that man made stuff you've heard in the past or your tainted view of what it means to give your life to Christ, doesn't have to be weird, it certainly won't be an instant process, you won't just go from living in sin to being holier than thou, although most people do anticipate that and when you fail to achieve that process, you will see all sorts of memes on facebook about how you don't measure up, either to the Christians or the World....

All you have to do...is ask Christ to come into your heart, ask forgiveness of the things you've done and mean it.  Ask God to help you live for him.  Don't worry about when you fail to meet standards...just keep talking to Jesus.  

​He will listen, and He will answer.  Make it your New Year’s Resolution. Do it today…don’t wait.

We spend far too much time looking in our rear view mirrors...I am so guilty of it.  Sometimes I resort back to hurts of a little girl of 2 yrs old, and I think...if only this would have happened, my life would be different.  Perhaps I've spent the next 40 yrs trying to go back and fix that wrong in my life so that it will never happen again...only to find that it's occurred another 10 times since then.

I absolutely love the Avenger movies.  Last night I stayed up way past my bed time (8pm) to watch Captain America - Civil War.  I especially appreciated this story line.  It's an older movie, so I am going to assume you've already saw it; however, I'm going to leave out any spoilers just in case you haven't.  

I gave my life to Christ 11 yrs ago.  I've changed in that time, and I've gone through lots of processing to do so.  It's a learning process, it looks a lot like bumps, bruises, wrong turns, malfunctions, do over’s, paper crumpling and lots of eraser marks on a drawing board.  It looks a lot like a big massive mess...and many times we look at the messes instead of the masterpieces.  Because honestly, it truly has been a major masterpiece and I'm always in awe at how God touches me each day and how he uses lots of little coincidences through others to show me how intricately he weaves us together.

Through my walk in the Garden with God, I've struggled with myself and my demons on many occasions.  God let's me wrestle them out...because he knows he's already defeated them...yet, I need to know that I can defeat them too.  It looks a lot like the Avenger movie, really...at least in the spiritual world....continually fighting my demons and trying to save as many people as you can.

But you lose some.  Always.  

​We are not avengers, that is God's job...but we are here to do the work of the Kingdom.  I look around...I know what it means when God says, "the workers are few." I know what it means to feel alone, abandoned, and tired.  I know what it's like to be in a Civil War...fighting against our brothers and sisters in Christ...because we all think we are doing the right thing. Yet the enemy knows if he can't beat us as we are one...he can make us fight against each other and destroy ourselves from within.  I know that we each have a perspective on life due to pains of the past...wrongs that we never felt were righted...things we fight for.  That our hunger for forgiveness, sometimes takes a look of revenge...and it robs us of love.

But I also know whose side I'm on.

I know whose side you are on too.  I know that I fight spiritual battles not only for my life, but for my husband, my sons, my family, my friends...and for the broken.

I know that we won't win every fight.

But I also know...Christ has already won the battle.

Proverbs 2:12-15 (NIV)
12 Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
    from men whose words are perverse,
13 who have left the straight paths
    to walk in dark ways,
14 who delight in doing wrong
    and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
15 whose paths are crooked
    and who are devious in their ways.

I have always loved new beginnings, do overs, second chances.  I love that as a human race we find moments in time that help us make goals to do just that.  We know that just because the number on the calendar changes, life doesn't, but we can set goals to help start a new direction.  Goals we want in life that we've put off, or let go, or lost hope in.

I will never forget the New Year 2006.... 13 days after that, actually.  January 13th, Friday the 13th.  I owned BuYah's. I had a pizza party, karoke, pool tournaments and other such fun planned for the school kids at my bar.  But that day held different plans for me.  I had uncovered a dark secret and it ripped my heart open and my life fell apart.  Bottom out, completely dropped out, and my life would be forever changed.  I needed a new beginning, desperately...without it, my life would take a major turn. My lifestyle finally caught up to my family and it was time to make a choice, either loose my family, or continue my lifestyle.

I decided on a new beginning.  I locked the doors of my old life and I asked God to take over.  

But let me challenge you, new beginnings are hard...

Think of your new years resolutions... how many of them have you actually kept?  Seriously think about it.  How many?  Well... new beginnings in Christ are no different.  You have to continually make choices that your friends and family are not making.  It's a personal journey, one no one can do for you.  You have to start working at learning how to live different, you loose friends, you try to find ones that will support your new life.   When your lifestyle no longer matches those of your friends, it seperates you.  It shouldn't have to be that way, but really, as an addict will tell you...you can't frequent the places, or hang with the same people that kept you in your addiction.  You gotta do things different.  You have to learn to be a light...because you are not the only one trapped in bondage...you have to be a warrior, one that will not only be obedient, but will eventually birth other warriors.

You have to start listening for truth, and you will find quickly that "truth" is not actually what your bold and outspoken friends say about your weight, your clothes or your lifestyle. You know the saying "the truth hurts".  No...truth is not your bold friends opinions...although you might have conditioned your mind to believe so.

Truth is Gods word... you have to study it.  You have to get to know God.  You have to learn to hear his voice.  It's a hard walk...it is.  Not because it hurts, because I promise you walking with God is anything but hurtful... it's stripping yourself of your old lifestyle, your tainted belief system, your past scars and your confusion as you unwind all the garbage you've enclosed your life in prior.

New beginnings are hope, love, change, struggle, challenge, confusing, exciting, breathtaking and a massive roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  

​Hold on... 2017 is full of them.  
Get ready!

Proverbs 1 (NIV)
Purpose and Theme

1 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

2 for gaining wisdom and instruction;
for understanding words of insight;
3 for receiving instruction in prudent behavior,
doing what is right and just and fair;
4 for giving prudence to those who are simple,
knowledge and discretion to the young--
5 let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance--
6 for understanding proverbs and parables,
the sayings and riddles of the wise.
7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

​