One of my favorite all time Christian movies is "The Gospel of John".  I remember watching it for the first time and the one thing that jumped out at me and captured my heart was the words, "You did not choose me, but I chose you"...

I remember at first arguing the statement in my head, as I often do, "no that's not true, I did come to you, I did choose you", and then the realization of what it meant to me to be chosen... by God.

Today in church, on this amazing Easter morning, I heard the mention of the words, "you did not choose Him, but He chose you... and I smiled.  I looked around at all the amazing people that God had chosen.  Each and every one of them full of gifts, each different, each unique, equally as important, yet, I'm sure that they have no idea, how truly impactful for the kingdom of heaven they are.  Some know their purpose, some are swimming in purpose prodded on by a circle around them and some are loners quietly sharing their gifts without acknowledgement or need for recognition.

You did not choose Him, He chose you...

The impact of that statement draws me to tears every.single.time.

Sometimes we were not raised in homes of encouragement, many times, we were raised in broken homes full of broken people.  In those homes, we learned how to earn love, beg for love, or settle for anyone who was willing to show us love for a season.  We learned to settle, learned to not have value, not worthy of anything more than the left over scraps thrown about.  Love perhaps looked like many things...but perhaps never genuine.    Or sometimes we were raised in homes full of love, full of encouragement and full of solid foundations.  Perhaps we took that for granted.  

Perhaps in among that brokenness, we found someone that invested in us.  Someone that showed us that we were more than we believed, that took the time to spend time with us, took time to love us in all our brokenness and helped set us back on solid ground...or perhaps we are still waiting for that someone...

You didn't choose Him, He chose you and His name

is Jesus.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.  This is my command: Love each other.
John 15:12-17

My husband and I text often back and forth while we are away from one another.  Daily. This started several years ago, after we nearly neglected and destroyed our marriage.  Throughout the day, we stop and make sure we connect, even through a text.  But this text was different.... "I lack nothing in my marriage" it said...

I stopped.  My heart melted.  "I don't either" was my response, "and I love you so much."

If you know us, you understand.  If not, just know that our marriage was on the brink of ruin, and suicide was in my sights just over 14 years ago, you know that that statement has come through some depths. We've learned so much since coming to Christ.  We've learned to weather the storms, to trust in times of uncertainty, to weep when needed,  to keep on keeping on when hopelessness seems far to real, to rejoice, to encourage, to accept and act upon holy discipline and most of all to give thanks in all circumstances.  Most importantly, know that you will never reach your finish line until eternity, and you must CHOOSE to pick up your cross every. single. day.

All circumstances....  to know what we came out of, to know who saved us.... 

​Christ.

I learn so much from my family.  One thing I've learned is that everyone needs a "Zach" in their lives.  Zach is my oldest son.  He's challenged me in so many ways to avoid "worry".  I am constantly checking in on my family, making sure they don't stumble, fall, or get bumped.  Making sure they are getting my daily "life lessons" that are so imperative to their lives... HA! … it's lecture 101 and no one really loves it, but I'm always trying to avoid anything "bad" happening.  The truth of the matter is, no matter how good I am, or they are, no matter how much I lean in and press into God, or they do, "bad stuff" still happens.  I know this all too well.

But the key is what do you do with the "bad stuff" when it does appear?  Zach will tell you that you don't need to react.  If it happens, it's the way it was supposed to be anyway.  He is set on the fact that we are always on the right track and that as long as we keep our sights on Christ, we are going to be ok.  He believes that choices create circumstances, whether our choices or others, but that through circumstances, God always provides a way to Him.  

In all circumstances.

I can hear the normal responses... "anyone who thinks those things, has never been through ***fill in the blank***".  Which is true, everyone has been though something, and many times, other people may or may not be able to relate, but that doesn't mean that we can't find a common denominator, when it comes to trials of many kinds...

Christ.

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other.  And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not quench the Spirit.  Do not treat prophecies with contempt  but test them all; hold on to what is good,  reject every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.  ~1Thesolonians 5:12-24

The authentic me, is a small town, little house on the prairie gal, who loves the simple things in life.  The kind of person who can not stand the rat race for one single moment.  I am lit up and energized by being in a room full of people, pouring encouragement into them, and on the same token, loves to sit at home and crochet and listen to worship music while I watch the sunset and think of all the things I'm thankful for. 

Yet, there is the Mr. Hyde side of me, that longs to be loved, longs to be accepted, longs to have the big house, fancy things, social standing and status.  And at times, I feed Mr. Hyde with my thoughts, actions and deeds.  When I do, I find myself in a very unsettled condition on so many levels.  I find I begin to convince myself I'm not good enough, rich enough, important enough, or capable enough to have or deserve these things.  From there, I encourage the notion that other people think these same thoughts of me.  

In the last few years, I've made a few changes, mostly because of my "people pleasing" tendencies.  I've removed nearly all social media connections with people.  I find although I love being around a crowd of people, I could not find the wilderness in social media, nor a way to escape and be alone.  Now when I say "alone", I used to think it was my time to be a "hermit".  I've since realized that is not what I was doing at all.  It was actually the time I needed to get alone with God, with my thoughts, with my authentic self, my heart, my true emotions, my true needs, struggles, and thoughts.  A time to get rid of distractions, yes, distractions, the need to be in people's business, or checking my social media account every 30 seconds to see what I had missed.  During that time of distraction, I found I was more concerned about men than about God.  I noted all the events I wasn't invited to, the friends I didn't have, the parties I didn't attend, the money I lacked, the looks I admired, the trips I couldn't take, the contact with true personal relationships that were slipping out of existence into a cyber world masked by the false appearance of "connection". I found my focus and perspective reflecting the popular likes on social media instead of the truth about God.

If you've never done so, I would highly encourage you to take some time to get away from everything.  Find a place where there are no camera's, cell phones, social media, people, and instead turn up the worship music.  Find a place you can sing without the fear of listeners, dance without the fear of watchers.  Pandora, YouTube, and other free resources have excellent channels of worship.  Drown out the sounds of distraction and just get consumed and saturated in Christ and all He has done and is doing.  Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide and lead you into all truth.  Maybe you need to just soak in His mercy, maybe you need to repent in His forgiveness, maybe you need to scream questions of "WHY GOD?" in His wisdom, maybe you need to crawl into the arms of His acceptance.  Whatever your need, He is the answer.  

Then, when your God tank is overflowing, go share this with others... not on social media. Instead, make personal, real life connections with others.  Take time to invest, truly invest in relationships.  Stop solely hiding behind distractions of computer screens and cell phones and live.  If my Pastor taught me one thing before he transitioned into eternity, it was that purpose was about making genuine personal connections with others.  He made it his life purpose to invest and build others up in Christ.  No one sought dependence on him, but instead dependence on Christ, because that is what he pointed too. 

When we enter eternity, may it be said of us, that we took the time to invest in others, and in every connection that God placed in our path, that we pointed to Christ.
 
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  ~Matthew 11: 28-30

I found myself consumed by thoughts of "comparison", or perhaps better yet, "covetousness".  I hadn't done that for quite some time, but in this particular situation, I couldn't help but see how evident it was, that I simply wasn't good enough, nor would I ever be.  I had been through a few weeks of testing.  One week comparing my home, finances and belongings to those of other families, to the next week, the friendships of others, that I realized, once again, I didn't have.

As I often do, I whirl winded into thoughts of self pity, longing for things I didn't have, from there to my family dynamics, my past, my childhood, to my broken home, to my broken relationships, to me... broken.

It's true, all of those things, tangible, evident, and repetitive.  It all led back to me.  Truth...however, is not synonymous with circumstance. 

Yes, I can assure you in my self loathing, pity party of emotions that I can still provide you solid facts of why and how these things exist.  Right down to the last revelation of my downward spiral, but I assure you, these things, although, true, although painful, although real, does not mean it's "TRUTH".

I thought back to the first couple years my husband and I were married.  We had very little, but we were always very happy.  I think we struggled at a mere $16,000 a year income between the two of us.  We didn't have a spare bed for friends, but we put a mattress on the floor and always had friends stay over.  We didn't have a fancy vehicle, but we had a cool old truck that we'd drive in snow and mud while we laughed and laughed.  We didn't have a nice house, but my Grandpa always stopped over to play skip-bo.  We didn't have a lake cabin, but we had family that loved to camp and tenting in pouring rain was always a memory maker.  Then, once we had kids, we didn't seem to have money for fancy gifts, but I learned to make a really cool SpongeBob cake for $2.49 and there was never enough cake for the amount of people who showed up to celebrate with us.
​
As for the last several years, sadly, I let some major set backs over take me.  I let myself believe some pretty harmful things, lies really, that although I could provide evidence of and I could prove without reasonable doubt they exist, weren't "TRUTH", but I wooed them non the less.

I took some time to listen to my Pastor on some old podcasts.   He passed away a year ago now, so I'm so thankful for technology in this way.  Interestingly enough, I found once again, in his unusually gifted ability to read my mail, he continuing to do so, even though his sermons recorded several years ago.

Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Matthew 6:19-21

"Do not think for a moment that the things you think you lack are going to make you happy" His voice rang out.  "If you find yourself consumed with wanting anything more than more of Jesus, you need to reevaluate your heart and your motives.  I assure you, "things" will not fill the void that only Christ can.

I thought of this man...this man that time and time again took time out of his life, his very extremely busy schedule, to call me on a God prompt, to see if I was ok.  If I didn't answer, which many times, I didn't, he would show up on my door step, 70 miles out of his way.  Not out of obligation, but because he genuinely loved me.  He genuinely knew that my heart was broken from rejection and bitterness, loneliness and insecurity, and he time and time again, found me in my hiding and called me into God's purpose for my life.  

Not only did he do this for me... but for countless others, countless, and he followed up with each and every one of his flock like this until the day he left for eternity.

I stepped outside of my pity party, I regrouped.  I refocused my sights on Christ. 

We can certainly spend time, where ever we desire, but sometimes, we might figure out we have just spent the last 40 years wandering in the desert, on the same old abuse, pain, hurt, negativity, fear, doubt and we've like a broken record, stuck on repeat, rehearsed it over and over again...
OR
we can regroup, reassess, set our sights like flint towards Christ and we can possess the promise land God assured us of, void of things, but full in Christ.  I'm no longer a slave to fear...I am a Child of God. 

#FinishStrong!