I wondered if there would ever be a day that I'd get on that scale and feel good about myself again.  For the last 10 yrs I have stepped on that scale and rarely did I see the numbers go down.  On the contrary, for the last 10 years I had watched the scale go from 115 to 190.  

I'd walk away from the scale and look in the mirror...every day.  Everyday hating myself a little more.

I look around and I see really adorable women and men who are not 115 pds.  They are beautiful and amazing and cute!  Some are sexy because they want to be, some are funny, some are confident, but all are beautiful to me.  I've never met a gal over 150 pds that I didn't think was beautiful, matter of fact most of the most beautiful women I've met are over 200.  And it's not their heart that makes them beautiful it's their looks!

Except me.

I was diagnosed with R.A. (Rheumatoid Arthritis) about 5 yrs ago and they say that because of this very complexed and confusing disease, that there currently is no cause or cure for it, and weight gain is inevitable.  

For years, my self confidence came from my pretty average face that I could enhance with make-up and my 115 pd trusty and loyal scale.  That is where my self worth was.  Until an affair overtook my confidence.  It wiped me out, stripped me naked and challenged me to look at my own dirty heart.  This "other woman" had much more attractiveness and sex appeal then I had, she had been able to provide something I couldn't and she robbed me of any pedestal I may have once had in my life.  She was more than I could have ever been...and I was left with nothing. Which turned out to be exactly what God needed to capture my heart.  From that day on, it was a new life for me, a new world and many many moments on what I call "God's potter's wheel."  This is the place where God spends time with you, undoing lies that are embedded in your mind that have made you something different than what you were created to be.

Lately, instead of putting me on the potters wheel to shed what I see as ugly pounds of fat off my body, he has instead challenged me to love myself with all my curves and dimples.  He tells me that I am wonderfully and fearfully made.  He reminds me that I am beautiful and that the scale and the mirror are lies embedded in my already broken mind and that his word is what holds truth.  I haven't found anything in the Bible about going to hell because I've gained weight, I can't find where he rejects those that are over 115 pds either.  How about that!  If I were to turn on the TV or look at magazines, or billboards, I would see the most beautiful women who everyone wants to be like, weighing in at 115 pds with a drop dead sex symbolic body

Except, I don't want to be a sex symbol.  I want to be a wife and a mom, at the same time, my fear of that woman who is so much more than I am, still lingers in my head....all the things she had that I didn't.  I wasn't good enough...

Or was I?

What does God say about adultery?  What does God say about being a good wife?  I'm a good wife, even better after I left my 115 pds. 10 yrs ago.  My children are outstanding.  My marriage is better than it has ever been.  My relationship with God is strong and growing.  My life is a miracle and my heart is blessed.

Now this does not mean that I can eat bon bons and sit on my couch all day, but it also doesn't mean that the scale or the mirror can make me hate myself either.  There are so many things that make us dislike ourselves.  Even at 115 pds.  We are pretty hard on ourselves and pretty hard on others.  We want to see perfection...but the amazing thing is...Jesus is perfect and when we except Jesus as our Savior...God sees us through his perfection, not through our self perceived imperfections.

Bible Topic Study References: Psalm 139.14, Proverbs 31, Proverbs 7, Genesis 1:27

I'll never forget my little brother's question.  "Ang, do you think all drinking is bad?"

I thought about all the memories I've had of drinking, parties, and the situations it caused in my life.

Affairs, inappropriate behavior, neglect, fighting, swearing, abuse, addictions, lies, financial issues, pain... oh and a couple of laughs.

My answer is "yes" and although not the popular answer, I believe it's the truth.  Not easily accepted, but worth sharing.

There are many things in life that we like to teeter on the tight rope on.  We ask, "God is this O.K.?" "God is this acceptable".  Then we walk around dodging minefields, maneuvering around dangerous ground and dodging bullets on the battleground. When we get hit, we blame God and ask "Why didn't you protect me?"

God is not waiting to "do away with you".  At the same time, don't mistake God's grace for complacency.  Satan loves to convince you, as he did Eve in that garden, that "just one bite won't hurt you".  Matter of fact, one bite of that juicy delicious taste of sin, will actually open your eyes to fun and excitement...things God doesn't want you to have.  Similar to just one drink doesn't make you a drunkard... even Jesus turned water into wine...it has to be good to drink. One drink isn't bad!  Or is it?  What happened when Eve convinced Adam, that just one bite wouldn't hurt him?  It banned them from paradise for the rest of their lives... "one bite" was all it took.

If we are to live in God's grace, we must be willing to stand strong in our convictions.  Don't mistake conviction for guilt and condemnation, but also don't sell short what the Holy Spirits convictions are for.  They are to keep you and your generations free from minefields and bullets.  They are to keep doors closed and locked that are only there to harm us.  Only you have the key to those locked doors...all Satan can do is knock.

Topic Bible Study: 
Revelation 22:15; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Galatians 5:19-21; 2 Peter 3:9; Genesis 3