For years I've struggled with not fitting in....

​I come from a broken home.   My mother and father divorced when I was 2.  I've saw my biological father a few handfuls of time.  My mother remarried shortly afterwards only to find her and I in an extremely abusive relationship.  After that, we moved in with my Grandpa for a short while and then out on our own for an even shorter while.  Then my Mother met her 3rd husband, which was obviously a charm, and this man adopted me.

​During this time, I've been to 4 schools in my 12 years and lived in 5 different towns.  Now, I'm quite certain many people have done the same or worse, but it created an atmosphere for me in which I didn't know where I fit, or where I belonged.  I could blend, or stand out, but I didn't feel I ever fit anywhere.  I could count on friendships for a short time, only to know they'd be over in a season. 

​I remember the first time I walked into our church family.  It was that of a family and friendships that I'd wanted for years.  The closeness there was unlike anything I had ever experienced.  Yet walking in there, meant closing yet another door to my friendships I had prior to giving my life to Christ.  Which again, placed me in another environment I had to try to adapt to.  But by this time, I learned to be quite the chameleon, blending in to any environment I entered into, at least on the outside, but on the inside, I was still very lonely and very lost.  I'd tell others, "I just don't feel like I fit".   They couldn't understand.

​You see I had changed to please so many environments that I was apart of, I lost sight of me.

​That's when it's time to dig in and find your true identity.  For me, it was a period of stepping out of everything I knew to stand alone in a very dark place.  I continue to remind people that this is NOT the type of thing to do when you are wounded.  But during this time, I was grounded in Christ, and I was in search of finding Him, personally, without any sort of environment around me.  I needed to determine who God was in my life and how to depend on Him for my needs, instead of searching for love through people and things.

​I still search for love from people...that may never change, but that method usually ends in broken hearts for me, so instead, I do the one thing I can do and I try to imitate the love of Christ, and unfortunately many times that falls through.

​Yet, one thing is certain, the love of God never fails. 

No matter what happens in my outward environment, my inner environment is being healed daily.  I'm no longer a Chameleon searching to fit in, but instead a child of God.  I'm not adopted, I'm not in a step family,  or fearing a separation from biological family.  I'm not having to move towns to find it, or new friends.  It's simply there, all the time.  I'm a part of a family on a much greater level.

​In all honesty, I'm alone still much of the time,  but I'm rarely lonely.

​I'm reminded of the truth in scripture that tells me:

Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,
Ephesians 2:19 NIV

I love that our journey to fit in somewhere, CAN land on secure ground, no matter what the road traveled looks like to get there.

Do you ever get tired of turning on the TV, or listening to news, or fighting with others about what the right religion, right political party, right race, creed or color is? 

I do.

​I can barely stand scrolling through news media feeds and reading the hundreds and hundreds of comments validating someone's belief about who the best is.... To me, it's not only debilitating, but wrong.  And I'm not the only one who thinks so.

​Why do we spend so much time determining who is right among people?  Sometimes it is certain agenda's such as whether we believe killing a fetus is taking a life.  People are very passionate about this topic, as well as many others. and we fight for the outcome we believe is best suited for our children and our upcoming generations. 

​When we find hot topics, such as this...we need to be certain that we don't fuel the fire of our own agendas.  We are not to lean on our own understanding, but are to search the scriptures and seek out God's direction on the matter.   Instead, however, we have a belief system that we know what is best for our towns and communities.

​It's also my understanding that this type of conflict will never cease until we each make a decision to follow Christ, or where we want to spend eternity.  Even then, it becomes a daily sacrifice to make God choices.   It has been this way since day one, throughout Noah, throughout Sodom and Gomorrah, throughout the history of the Bible, you will continually see a race, creed, religion, or gender fight for their own agendas.  Satan knows as well as our flesh, that a house divided against itself can not stand.    But Standing on God's Promises will always prevail. 

​I'm reminded of the scripture
There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 3:28 NIV

​If we could remember this scripture, we'd solve half of the worlds issues...

If you were to ask me if I spend a lot of money on clothes or jewelry, my answer would be no. I stopped shopping for myself years and years ago. All the money we had went to our boys and honestly after an affair had struck our marriage in 2005, I honestly have not felt interested in myself or what I wore. Now, don't get me wrong, I try to dress nice, with thrift shop clothes and I wear makeup sometimes, and of course jewelry I made or had years ago, but nothing you would call "high maintenance" in any way shape or form.

​Recently however, I've lost a couple pounds, and got a new career that I absolutely love. At my new career all the women are dressed so professionally and beautiful with jewelry to match their clothes and perfect shoes with each outfit. There hair is always done beautifully and I can't help but say I admire them. So, I ventured out to a cheap online clothing store and I bought some really cute tops.

​I wore one of these cute tops to church the other day. It was really cute. But, it was also a little big. As a common custom, one of us lucky members gets to take care of the worship leaders children during worship, and it's always a pleasure. It was my turn this day. This particular child is the snuggliest children ever. After worship I also get the privilege to provide the announcement for the week. This particular time, as I was giving announcements, I noted one of the amazing ladies of the church gesture that my shirt had fallen off my shoulder and had exposed my bra strap. Realizing that holding the baby stretched my cute shirt a bit as well as loosing weight made it hand lower. I fixed it and went on about the announcements.

​After church we had our first baptism ceremony at the church. Normally we hold them at the lake, it was an amazing and overwhelming day, which I'll share more in another blog later.

​After baptism, we had a potluck, and I was able to sit down with an amazing couple and share testimony. At the end of the conversation the lady I was visiting with leaned into me and said, "I often want to go up to people who dress inappropriately in church and ask them why they dress like that, do they not know that how they dress can cause another to sin"? Now, I'm not certain if she was directing that comment to me, or if it was part of her testimony, but it struck my heart and I took it personally. My throat got hot and the tears welled up, but I held it back and asked to be excused.

​I left church that day and cried for about 4 or 5 hours or so. I went through all sorts of emotions as to why I was no longer fit to give the announcements in church, and let me tell you the list was more than a mile long. I typed out the "I'm not doing announcements anymore" to the church leaders, but then the phone rang (one of the church leaders) except I was crying so hard I couldn't answer. I deleted the text. My husband couldn't understand why I was upset and neither could my Mom who gave me a big hug and said "Ang, everyone knows your heart".

​Yet, I couldn't help remember the person I was before I came to Christ... it had been a long time since someone had called me "the names of the past". This new friend I made didn't know me from the next person, she only knew me by what she saw that day, and that day I may have given her an impression of who I used to be. Or maybe she didn't mean me at all, but God was pointing something out.

I didn't like it.

​I gathered my thoughts together and I thanked God for the scripture he reminded me of through this time. God is a God of correction, like it or not. I like it, even though it doesn't feel very good at the time, because when corrected by God, I know that there is no condemnation, other than that I bring upon myself. When God corrects you, it is to edify you and to build you up and place your feet on solid ground.

1 Peter 3 New International Version (NIV)3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

​Thank you again God, for touching my heart and helping women to see that they are more than the clothes they wear....

Perfect Peace.... is that possible? 

​Let's say, You go throughout your day and the alarm clock didn't go off, you have 15 minutes to get ready for work.  It's a big day because the boss is going to be there and you are up for a possible promotion.

​You remember just before you head out the door, that school pictures are today.  The kids haven't gotten hair cuts, you didn't help them pick their clothes out and you didn't write out a check.

​Your mind is tied up for several weeks now with thoughts of cancer, because you found a lump and you are awaiting an appointment with the doctor.

​On top of that your spouse has been late several nights in a row and he is acting strangely for the past couple months.

​The reason you are trying for the promotion is that your on your final notice of not paying the mortgage and if you don't come up with 3K somewhere, the bank is going to foreclose.

​Perfect Peace Ang...you're going to try to use Christianity to explain perfect peace in this mess, or more?  My answer is yes.

​The Answer, is always Jesus.

​I'm reminded of several passages in scripture about peace.  Mainly because I think our entire worlds are, have been, or can be similar to the synopsis above.  So many things in life that rob of us peace, because we've invested time and energy, our hearts and our lives into them.  They are important to us and rightly so, we want to protect them.

​I've lived outside of peace for several years.  Full of anxiety, fear of the future, fear of what was to come, afraid in some cases, I'd never get back to where I was before the anxiety and depression hit.  But I did, and in many cases better than I was.  I have family members that have lived outside of peace for many many years, consumed with fears of sickness, death, dying.   Fear paralyzes it's target and keeps their focus on it.

​This morning, I read:
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Isaiah 26:3 NIV

​Yes, I remind myself, in all situations... the answer is Jesus. 

We shall do our part, such as show up for the interview, we shall call the school and let them know we forgot the check for pictures, we shall pray over our health and families, and go to the Dr.'s appointment in faith, we shall ask our spouses if something is wrong and we shall be good stewards of our money and seek financial classes, call the bank for extra time.  We shall do our part, but we do these things first by seeking the kingdom ways and answers and then by taking action.  When things go wrong, even after seeking the kingdom as they often will, we look to Christ in faith that He has already prepared a way.  Many times, it doesn't look like you want it too... Walk through it anyway, trusting in Christ, with your eyes set like flint on Christ.

​Oh what a journey it will be!

​**** Share with me your testimonies of times where you were full of anxiety and you chose to turn your focus to Christ******

There has been times in my walk with Christ that I find myself overcome with a feeling of "lowliness".   That can entail feelings of being lonely, feelings of unworthiness, feelings of not fitting in, as well as a million other emotions that are distractive from truth.

​I sometimes really take a look at my life and ask myself "do I reflect Jesus well?"  Most times my answer is no.  I have a lot of heart issues I need to work at. Or more so, be willing to allow Christ to heal.

​In addition to that, I also find the distraction of Social Media on all levels to be a major distraction.  We trade a call on the phone with a glance at a post.  We trade physical connection with (((cyber hugs))).  We trade 4 hours of our day scrolling through posts for connection.  We justify it because our lives are so busy, we can still feel attached in some small way to see pictures of loved ones so we can keep up with the fast track of life.

​Further, we idolize our positions in work, and we conform to the world in which we are placed.  Instead of taking a bold stance and being vessels of Christ, we take the world stance.  We laugh at inappropriate joking, we comment about the shortcomings of others, we utter frustration when someone has done us wrong.  Yes, all a part of who we are,  but not a part of who we should become.

​I took sometime the last couple weeks to pay attention to how many times outside of church that someone brought the gospel to me, either in thought, action or deed.  I can't count the number on one hand.  I also paid attention to how many times I was bold enough to share the gospel, either in thought word and deed, and I'm not certain I can count the number on both hands... a little better, but probably not where I should be.

​I think we can all let the excuse that "we are not adequate" penetrate our motives and somehow use it as a way to just live lives paralyzed in rocking chairs.  I'm not opening your mail and preaching to you, I'm sharing my own heart which is vulnerable and open to correction.  I say that because I'm certainly not a victim and I know that God is not waiting to send me to hell for my perceived inadequacies.  I know he's equipped me with all I need to live a life complete in Him.  I know that it is by CHOICE that I will seek Him deeper and overcome each trial I face, and I know that He promises never to leave or forsake me.  I know also that His end goal for my life is to have me spend an eternity with Him, in a paradise far beyond my imagination and that Jesus has gone ahead to prepare a place for me.  Yet, I know it is by my own choices, as to where eternity will be spent.  Am I saying that we get to heaven by works?  No....far from it, we get to heaven by our dependence on Christ and our obedience to His Word and His Way, and that at anytime I can choose to throw up my hands and give all that up to live in the way of the world. Some days, it's a moment by moment struggle.

​Through it all, I'm so very thankful to have taken the time to invest in God's word and remain teachable.  I'm so very thankful that grace and mercy falls on a heart willing to be obedient to Christ, even when our flesh is sometimes over powering.

​I'm reminded, through this process, of a passage in Revelation. 
To the Church in Ephesus
2 “To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.
4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. 6 But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.
7 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

​I love that we don't have to sift through our own thoughts and emotions to know TRUTH.  I love that when we start to justify our thoughts, deeds and actions, by our own experiences, and knowledge that we can put a holt to it to test it to the word of God.  I love that when we start to create storms, tornadoes and bad weather in our atmosphere's, God speaks and calms the storm.