I'm a people pleaser, so to not have anyone around to have to try to please and live up to was amazing. I loved spending time alone, in long walks, bike rides, worshiping, reading the word. I absolutely loved soaking up the alone time between just me and God.
Yet, I found myself on Facebook 24/7 with the longing to be a part of my friends lives. Party pictures, BFF selfies, vacations, trips, smiles, laughing, joy and all ....minus me.
I had an amazing conversation with someone who is extremely important to me and a very major part of my life and who I am. I said..."why does it feel like we've drifted apart?" I had to brace for the answer, because I knew it was going to be sincere and hard to hear.
I don't want you to be disappointed in me and I don't want to be judged by you if I do something that isn't "right".
THUD...my heart stopped beating for a moment and tried to climb out my throat. I had to swallow it hard to get it to go back down. I thought back on all the people I absolutely loved...that were no longer in my life. Not even a little bit... could that be what happened?
I tried to recover with tears in my eyes and explained that I only want the best for people. I've made so many mistakes on my own that I just want to be able to save someone the heartbreak from making the same. I only wanted the best for them. But in their eyes, I had become condemnation and judgement.
Can you give me an example I asked, at something I've done to make you feel this way? I need to consider my behavior and my actions toward you, I said. They replied...well sometimes I don't want you on my social media because I don't want you to see something that I know perhaps it's necessarily "good" because I don't want to be judged.
So I went back into prayer. God...you know that I would never want anyone to feel judged by me or condemned...but how do I stand for your truth without it seeming that , way?
Standing for truth. Remain Faithful was the "God Moment" I heard.
I called back...Friend! I pleaded.... I need you to think about something because this is crucial for me and my own walk with Christ. You are absolutely important to me and I don't want you to feel that way about me, but I need to ask you something, and I don't want you to answer right away. I want you to pray about it and then I want you to get back with me.
Do I make you feel that way because you know it is very important to me to be a God pleaser and try to stand for Christ's truth, or do you feel that way because you honestly feel like I am condemning and judgmental. I very much value your opinion and know that if we both pray on this, God will answer.
I do not want to be the person who wavers because speaking the truth in love is difficult, confusing and challenging. How to speak against a world doing worldly things, that are legal and normal, when the Bible contradicts it. I've spent far too many years doing just that, and it led me down a path of hurts.
I have strong opinions and convictions when it comes to truth. Simply because it's the one thing that in my life has been lacking. It takes me years sometimes to convince my very Legal Secretarial researcher mentality that you are not going to hurt me.
Pray with me, as I walk this out, that God will reveal swiftly with only the boldness that will provide the truth, both for the Christian and for the seeker.