I know, because this is the way it always happens for me.
I spend a great deal of my life in my past. When I say a great deal, I'm not aggerating in the least. Like ridiculous, imaginary, broken record, play it over and over and over and over, until you have it so memorized, it's on auto repeat and the button to shut it off is broken.
Yep, that's my learned behavior. But as I love to point out, I'm on God's potters wheel. Painful at times, comforting at times, beautiful at times and crumple up, start from scratch, exhausting at times, but in the hands of the Potter none the less. Trusting Him, that through all of my learned behavior, through all my poor choices, through all my broken records, through all my fleshly desires, He will create in me a new heart.
Always process, forever changing.
So first on my exploration for freedom, I find scripture that tells me for sure, I'm on the right journey. That I've been hit in the heart with a mission and instead of telling God or anyone else for that matter "not to judge me", I've answered with a yes Lord, this is going to look messy Lord, and I might fight it tooth and nail Lord, BUT...
You Lord, know best, and in You is freedom, even when I have to obey.
First I want to make sure that the word I'm searching for is accurate. So I'm going to pick out the keyword; PAST. I find numerous scriptures to read and I meditate on them. I read them slow and I absorb what God is saying. While doing all this, I also think of what it means to let my flesh down. It's a bit painful, my flesh is as hungry as someone on a diet restricted of chocolate, with a pile of chocolate chip cookies heaping on a perfect plate on my kitchen table.
"It's not going to be easy", I tell God. God reminds me that His yolk is easy and His burden is light. He does this to me a lot when I argue. I love that. I love that He talks to me. It comforts me. It prods me forward. It reminds me, as my Pastor had to do often, I'm not a victim, I'm a Victor, through Christ. I remember the first time I heard God's voice, years ago, when I was ready to end my life and He gently but matter of fact instructed me, audibly "You won't get to heaven". I've never heard His voice audibly again, but I'll never forget what it sounded like, and I've learned to listen for that voice internally ever since. I love that when we are quiet and we wait on that still small voice, God still takes time to walk with us in His garden.
So I start to reason, "what has dwelling on the past ever done for me"? NOTHING! Opens up wounds, makes me bleed, gets infected, scabs over, I pick at it, it repeats, and then causes an ugly scar that I'm forced to look at for the rest of my life, which in turn simply grows an ugly bitter root and attaches to my heart. Eventually, if I allow Him to, God's going to have to do some major surgery, without any anesthesia, extremely painful and cut away at that root like a tumor that's dug in deep. Then I will have to spend months in recovery. So...why don't I just do what He says in the first place...
"Forget the past".
Simple. But ok, how? Like I have zero idea how.
And God reminds me, that I can't do it on my own. I mean I can try, get beat up, cover myself in band aids and try again, or I can just be willing. Willing to let Him teach me, in my daily walk, how to let go of the past, to keep my eyes on Him. I know this means I will be tested, and I know they say get ready because the tests will come, but since I know that they are coming, and I know that God can do all things, and since I know God, through the Holy Spirit, lives in me, I know I'm ready. Prepared and equipped with every spiritual tool and blessing.
Ready for freedom. In one single God Moment, it will happen.