To this day I still don't know my worldly directions. I have no sense of it.
Now that I am saved by Jesus Christ, those things should be thought of no more. They should be forgiven, they should be dealt with, they should be resolved. But many times, I find myself still wrestling with God on the subjects of my past. My thoughts that haunt my life, the words that won't let me move on from my prison doors, which by the way, are wide open thanks to Christ.
"You are worthless, I don't have time for you, you will never amount to anything. You are disposable and the best way to hurt you is to withdraw love."
I've looked in a million doors, holes and crevices for ways to fill those empty spaces. Which actually are not really empty, they are full of negative energy, which only feels empty. In reality, that negative is secretly and quietly filling the "God whole" with tar that eventually suffocates our hope, our breathe, our heart, our spirits. I've tried a billion ways to fill that void with empty calories. The entire time, thank God, wrestling with God. He isn't affected by withdrawing love...like I've learned, is the best way to hurt others and isolate myself so I can make all those words people spoke over me come true.
After all, I'm not lovable, I've learned I'm disposable, worthless, not worth anyone's time, a failure that won't amount to anything.
For 31 years I wrestled with God on these matters, and the additional matters I've added to my already dysfunctional life by the choices I made to fill the voices the demons whispered in my ear, all the while wrestling with God.
Wrestling with God....
What a beautiful thing...
The entire time, I wrestled with God. Hitting Him, scratching Him, biting Him, spitting on Him, punching Him, kicking Him, screaming at Him, calling Him names, pulling His hair, gouging at His eyes, withdrawing my love from Him...
Yet, He never let Go.
He held on to me.
He convinced me I was worth it, I had His full attention, all His time, all His love.
He never let go....
No matter how much I fought with Him, no matter how much I rejected Him, no matter how many times, I listened to the demonic voices ... He never forsake me. Nothing could keep me from His love... nothing.
Then one day, something happened. I stopped hating Him, I began to love Him, and that day, He gave me a new name.
He called me....