So much has happened to me this summer, and I'm not sure I can put into words the lessons I learned in my heart. After working in a position that put me in a lot of health risks because of constant unsolvable conflict, I found myself as a person I did not like. I felt like all the years I spent in a relationship with Jesus ended in a nasty divorce and I was bitter. That position then heightened all conflict in my life and it magnified it into mountains.
They were all molehills.
The final straw came after a very vicious comment from a very hateful family member. I hit my limit. I pulled away from everyone and everything. I shut down my blog, my FB, my Twitter, everything. I resorted to very limited social media contact. Just used my email, my phone and my texting app. I went in search to hear God and live as he would lead me. No interference. Just the simplicity of listening to the Spirit and reading the Word. Those two things have to go together, because it's easy to be influenced by spirits. Some of them are far from the Holy Spirit. Therefore, you have to make sure you are in the Word, so that you are not deceived.
I learned quickly who my "small circle" of friends were. I don't mean that I have a small amount of friends, but I mean the circle that makes sure that they keep you in their lives. It was a tough, but important lesson for me. You see one of the lessons I learned, as a people pleaser, is that all the people I love, don't necessary love you back. I learned that we sure put a lot of effort trying to please people, that don't even think of us. These are the people that always use the excuse they are too busy or have to check their calendar and then never get back to you or pick a date. Then there are the ones that only contact you to ask you to do something. The tough part of this lesson for me, was knowing that some of the people that I trusted with my deepest heart strings, never even contacted me. The best part of this lesson was, I found out quickly who I could trust with my deepest hurts, frustrations and prayer requests.
I did a lot of "soul searching" during this time away from "the world". I took care of my husband, my family and our home. I caught up on some very needed talks with my children. I am very close to my boys, but as teenage boys probably often do, they resort to their rooms and don't have time for Mom or Dad. I used to think I was an excellent parent, until they reached teenage years...and now I am not sure how to parent. I learned so much this summer about being a parent to a teenage child. Parenting is different at this age. You go from full need, to none. I do, however, get so many compliments on my boys with their behavior outside of our home, which assures me that we are moving in the right direction. This summer I realized, I turned into a friend and a guide for my children, even though they warn against this. My boys are both learning very much who they are without their mom, but when the time comes and they need guidance, they ask. They are turning into men...independent.
I focused on our hobby farm. We now have 8 head of cattle, 6 pigs, 30 chickens, 2 hives of bees, 28 rabbits, some cats, dogs, 2 birds and goldfish. We have 2 gardens, fruit trees, and bushes as well. All of our buildings have been salvaged from ones people either threw away or abandoned. You'd be surprised on what we've done with other people's garbage. All my landscaping has been salvaged as well. The secret is, we have items from grandparents who are no longer with us. So to us, it's not garbage or old...it's important. People throw away far to many things, including love.
I wanted most of all to be free from drama and the hate of the world. I don't watch the news, I didn't have social media. I didn't leave my house for more than a small amount of time and although I longed to spend time with people, I didn't want the chance for conflict. Life had become far to beautiful again to risk letting anyone in to say the things about me that I'm so used to hearing. My deepest hurt has been rejection and learning how to be a step child or an adopted child into a family that isn't really my own. Family has always been a longing in my heart, however, I've never found my extended place in family, so I've dove deep into my own. Although I'd love to say that hermitizing myself rid my life of complete conflict, it did not. I still have emotions, I still make mistakes and I still get hurt. So many things happened, including "don't ever f'cking talk to me again" texts. Yep, life...it can be hurtful. But you learn.
Obviously, I did get back on social media, began blogging and re connecting. I chose to do so, because there was a medical emergency with my new born niece. I watched her turn blue and nearly died in front of my eyes. This was a moment that is etched in my head worse than anything I've ever witnessed before. This shook every heart string, brain cell and nerve in my body. It was the only time I can remember feeling completely and utterly helpless and fully dependent on God. I don't know what I would have done if the nurses were not able to bring her back, but luckily they did. My perspective on life was drastically changed in this moment and my outlook on life changed. I learned the importance of love vs hate. I learned the importance of edifying vs tearing down, I learned the need for forgiveness vs bitterness. I felt the need for re-connection vs separation.
But life, the news, and social media quickly made me realize this was a personal lesson, not a worldly one.
I guess the bottom line is, the journey is not about the world and all that happens in it...the journey is about hearing from God and all he has to say. If he tells you to reconnect. Do it. If he tells you to withdraw and pray, do it. If he tells you to stop acting like the world...and follow his lead, Do It! The world is full of hate, hurt and bitterness, things we'll never fix on our own. It's getting worse. Conflict, offense and spitting on family and friends, has become normal. Throwing away relationships is easy and communication has been limited to a "don't ever f'cking talk to me" text. The cool thing is...the text doesn't have to come from you...because you can change your world, simply by listening to the right Spirit.
Becoming "unbusy" has made me realize and learn so many things. We put our time into so many activities that only causes us stress instead of blessings. We bring it on ourselves chasing things that will never fill our needs. Money, greed and power is in the lead...it makes people crazy.
As for me...I'm working on the Proverbs 31 woman...I'd encourage you to read it every day. it's been an incredible journey and the best summer I've ever had!
Bible Study Reference: Proverbs 31