Last night I thought back to a time where life was completely black. That's the color I saw. You can ask a select few people, they will tell you, I had some very dark emotions. I fell apart and was left "naked" before my peers. It was a time in my life that I will never forget. I had made choice after choice in the wrong direction and now I was getting "punished" for it. I had no hope and I had no joy. I could have stayed that way and let my circumstances control me. My mind was telling me "give up"
But someone in my life would not give up on me. She drug me to God for the millionth time in my life. Metaphorically speaking, she drug me out to that "dirt field with the comic stripe Bible" to find answers. (That is another story I will tell you about sometime).
For three long years I battled my way out of that darkness. I was called the "cry baby" of the church. Which isn't much different today, only the crying is over thankfulness instead of hurt. I took action over my life. I handed it to God. I said, "PLEASE HELP ME"! For three long years I didn't think He was.
But someone in my life would not give up on me. Matter of fact, they'd seem to hone in on me every time I was having my major meltdowns. I was near giving up, and the phone would ring, the doorbell would ring, or I'd go to Church. And they would have this strange way of knowing exactly my thoughts and what I cried out. At first I thought that someone was telling them, (even though I was alone at the time). Then I thought they had a microphone in my house somewhere, (except it would happen where ever I was.) Finally it dawned on me. God was a tattle tail!
I had no joy in my life, and I wanted it back. Somehow (hmm I wonder how) I was lead to the verse. "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength" I simply repeated this in my head until it stuck with me. Three long years, this is the verse that I lived with daily. I didn't have joy, and I didn't know where I was going to get it. But I believed God was truthful and I believed He didn't go back on His promises, so I grabbed a hold of the hem of His garment and I begged! "GOD PLEASE HELP ME"
I started to notice one day, that negativity irritated me. To the point, I shut my Facebook down, several times. I couldn't stand it. Everywhere I went someone was complaining about this, or that. Not things you would think, though, not like the garbage on TV, or the way life was headed. It was things like. I don't like the weather, I don't like this person, I don't like the way people post on Facebook, I don't like your race, I don't like the way you talk about God. Every time I read something I wanted to take my nails down a chalkboard. I must have gotten "judgmental" as people like to point out.
But someone said something to me one day, and they continue to do so. They said. I don't like you because you are "too happy". Do you know what I did.... I went home and cried about that!!! I said God, no matter what I do, I can't win! I stewed about this for a while. Then I got a call from someone very close to me and she said. I don't even want to hang out with you because my life isn't going the greatest and you seem like on Facebook, your life is perfect. Do you know what I did. I cried. First people didn't want to hang out with me because I was depressing, and NOW "I'm too happy" Next I went to work and a lady told me I irritated her because I was too churchy and "too happy". I went home and this time, it hit me.
Someone didn't give up on me, I had found joy again.