The voice was calm, matter of fact, and loving..."you won't get to heaven". I screamed GOD! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I CAN'T GET THROUGH THIS! With tears flooding my face, and with a heart so heavy I couldn't think anymore, I begged, "please make an exception for me! I can't do this...it's not fair. I can't live like this. Why does "their actions" determine my place in heaven." "God please...."I sobbed.... "please." I hung my head down curled up in a tight little ball, and I rocked back and forth, "please" I whimpered. My grip on the pill bottle was tight. The voice came once again, this time I realized who was speaking "audibly" to me. His voice was calm, matter of fact, and loving... "you won't get to heaven." The air was still, there was no movement, only decision. It was enough time for me to reflect. I thought of what that meant. I won't get to heaven. Then what was the point? If God was going to close the door on the only place I wanted to go, then what was I doing? I returned the pill bottle. I grabbed a rosary instead, I held it so tight it nearly cut my palms open. I'm not Catholic, but the symbol of the cross and Jesus on it, soothed me. I cried harder than I ever had, crawled under my bedding and sobbed myself to sleep.
I've never considered suicide since that day. Never. I've learned through that moment I had with God that no matter how tough things are, (and they got worse from there) there was nothing that would separate me from the love of God.
I've gotten into a lot of hard discussions since that time and because of my story. People saying I'm insensitive, or that I don't know where people go if they commit suicide, loved ones angry because of what God said to me. And I want to say right off the bat. I would be a liar if I told you I knew where someone went to spend their eternity. I don't know. I am not suggesting by my story, that suicide is a ticket to hell. I am saying however, that I know it is not a golden ticket to heaven. I am saying that that is what God spoke to 'me'.
I cringe when I hear speakers of the beautiful child that took their life say in front of a group of hundreds of depressed and hurting children's ears... "they are in a better place, where there is no pain, no sorrow." My insides scream silently but loud enough to damage my ear drums internally. "YOU DON"T KNOW THAT...YOU ARE LYING TO THEM!!!" Do I believe this child is in hell? ABSOLUTELY NOT! What I am saying is that this speaker just planted the thought into hundreds of children's heads, that the answer to their hurts, pain, depression, frustrations, rejections, hormones, problems, is a golden ticket to heaven.
The same message was hidden in a tub of kool-aid. Jim Jones (the pastor figure) convinced his followers that in their home in Jonestown, they were going to make the journey to heaven together and create their own rapture. Jim Jones twisted God's word and convinced these beautiful people they would go to heaven. He lied. We don't know where anyone is after this world. God knows.
The same message is hidden in the bomb of those that are convinced by their earthly leaders that if they go into a crowded place and detonate the bomb killing themselves and unsuspecting others, that God will take them to heaven. It's a lie, we don't know where this bomber and all these people went. Suicide isn't a golden ticket to heaven.
I read about Judas in the Bible stricken with grief so great because he betrayed Jesus, that he took his own life. We don't know where Judas is. God knows.
I read about the rich man in hell and Lazarus in Paradise and that he begged Lazarus to take away his pain and thirst, to go back to his family and warn them that there was a hell, and that he was in it, begged Abraham to go back to the world and tell his family truth. But the answer was, if they didn't believe then, they won't believe now.
Friends, please don't misunderstand my message. I am not saying that those that have made the choice to commit suicide have a one way ticket to hell. What I am saying is that they did not have a golden ticket to heaven. It's like a game tagged "Russian roulette." The only Golden ticket is our love for Jesus Christ. You see what I didn't know back in my own dark moment, was that by grabbing that rosary, symbolically and what I understand now, is that God showed me that he paid the price for my sin. He paid the price for my depression. He paid the price for the sin of those that had hurt me so severely they had taken my will to live. Jesus poured out his blood for my pain, my frustrations, my rejection, my fears, my torments, my wrong choices, my wrongs... he paid the price to save me.
I can't even get through this blog without thankfulness, without shaking, without crying. God is good. He does a lot with our mistakes that I could never image why. Except he loves us. He loves the Jim Jones, the Judas, the Suicide Bombers, the lost souls that have no will to live. He paid the price for all of us to come to Jesus. If we don't have Jesus, we have death.
So the ticket to heaven is not suicide. The golden ticket to heaven is Jesus. That is the message that we should be sharing at all funerals, at all counseling session, at all moments we talk with our hurting friends and family. Strangers that need a hand... The Golden ticket to heaven is Jesus. He shall be the deciding factor of where we spend eternity.
Luke 16:19-31 NIV
The Rich Man and Lazarus
“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
“He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’
“Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’
“‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’
“He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”
I've never considered suicide since that day. Never. I've learned through that moment I had with God that no matter how tough things are, (and they got worse from there) there was nothing that would separate me from the love of God.
I've gotten into a lot of hard discussions since that time and because of my story. People saying I'm insensitive, or that I don't know where people go if they commit suicide, loved ones angry because of what God said to me. And I want to say right off the bat. I would be a liar if I told you I knew where someone went to spend their eternity. I don't know. I am not suggesting by my story, that suicide is a ticket to hell. I am saying however, that I know it is not a golden ticket to heaven. I am saying that that is what God spoke to 'me'.
I cringe when I hear speakers of the beautiful child that took their life say in front of a group of hundreds of depressed and hurting children's ears... "they are in a better place, where there is no pain, no sorrow." My insides scream silently but loud enough to damage my ear drums internally. "YOU DON"T KNOW THAT...YOU ARE LYING TO THEM!!!" Do I believe this child is in hell? ABSOLUTELY NOT! What I am saying is that this speaker just planted the thought into hundreds of children's heads, that the answer to their hurts, pain, depression, frustrations, rejections, hormones, problems, is a golden ticket to heaven.
The same message was hidden in a tub of kool-aid. Jim Jones (the pastor figure) convinced his followers that in their home in Jonestown, they were going to make the journey to heaven together and create their own rapture. Jim Jones twisted God's word and convinced these beautiful people they would go to heaven. He lied. We don't know where anyone is after this world. God knows.
The same message is hidden in the bomb of those that are convinced by their earthly leaders that if they go into a crowded place and detonate the bomb killing themselves and unsuspecting others, that God will take them to heaven. It's a lie, we don't know where this bomber and all these people went. Suicide isn't a golden ticket to heaven.
I read about Judas in the Bible stricken with grief so great because he betrayed Jesus, that he took his own life. We don't know where Judas is. God knows.
I read about the rich man in hell and Lazarus in Paradise and that he begged Lazarus to take away his pain and thirst, to go back to his family and warn them that there was a hell, and that he was in it, begged Abraham to go back to the world and tell his family truth. But the answer was, if they didn't believe then, they won't believe now.
Friends, please don't misunderstand my message. I am not saying that those that have made the choice to commit suicide have a one way ticket to hell. What I am saying is that they did not have a golden ticket to heaven. It's like a game tagged "Russian roulette." The only Golden ticket is our love for Jesus Christ. You see what I didn't know back in my own dark moment, was that by grabbing that rosary, symbolically and what I understand now, is that God showed me that he paid the price for my sin. He paid the price for my depression. He paid the price for the sin of those that had hurt me so severely they had taken my will to live. Jesus poured out his blood for my pain, my frustrations, my rejection, my fears, my torments, my wrong choices, my wrongs... he paid the price to save me.
I can't even get through this blog without thankfulness, without shaking, without crying. God is good. He does a lot with our mistakes that I could never image why. Except he loves us. He loves the Jim Jones, the Judas, the Suicide Bombers, the lost souls that have no will to live. He paid the price for all of us to come to Jesus. If we don't have Jesus, we have death.
So the ticket to heaven is not suicide. The golden ticket to heaven is Jesus. That is the message that we should be sharing at all funerals, at all counseling session, at all moments we talk with our hurting friends and family. Strangers that need a hand... The Golden ticket to heaven is Jesus. He shall be the deciding factor of where we spend eternity.
Luke 16:19-31 NIV
The Rich Man and Lazarus
“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
“He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’
“Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’
“‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’
“He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”
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