Chest x-rays and heart monitors were activated and test results started coming back. I wasn't given the "all clear" on the x-ray. They had spotted "something" and that "something" needed to be looked into further. I tried to hold it together. I remembered two days prior during worship God had spoke and said, "When you get the results back, do not worry or be afraid, I have plans for you." I chose not to share this bit of news with anyone because I didn't want to jinx the test results, but now that they had come back with issues, I instantly thought about this moment in time.
I also read my last blog...funny, I thought that was for someone else.... which is possible...but more than likely it was preparing my own heart.
I cried of course and I pulled out the "worst case scenario." Perhaps out of fear, but it seems to be how I deal with things. If the worst happened, how am I going to prepare. I thought about how people get angry with God when they get unsettling news. I wasn't angry. Mostly because I am very secure in my relationship with him. I didn't see it as a punishment or a disappointment, matter of fact, I didn't even ask him why. I don't know that I am currently "trusting" him with a healing outcome because if I were I would think I would have more peace. I would like to get there though! I am still completely in love with Christ and believe that he works out all things for the good for those that love him and call on his name.
I think back to an podcast of Focus on the Family a few days back. I am remembering the scripture that the guest was focusing on in her bout with returning cancer.
Awaiting the New Body 2 Corinthians 5:5-10
For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.
I think on those things that have all of a sudden become important and toss those things that are not. I do not think about the petty little arguments I've had with people along the way, or the people that have done me wrong, I don't think about revenge or wrong doings, I think about how amazing my life is, my family is, how amazing God is.
I remember Bible Study on Wednesday and how Jesus overcame the enemy. He overcame it with "it is written". I got into the word, I read Proverbs 19, because today is the 19th. I let the words saturate every part of me...there is not fear in me at all, I'm not afraid of eternity. I know where I am going. I think of people who do not have a relationship with Jesus and the fear they must feel. Not because of death, but because they don't know Jesus, and if they don't know Jesus, their eternity is fearful and then death is scary. Oh just to touch others for Christ so they don't fear their eternity....
On to life, there is so much to do, and the workers are few. How do you take this love and invest it into others so that they can have the same hope. I'm not afraid, isn't that amazing. I'm sad...and I'm depending on God to give me a positive testimony on my results from Monday's testings, but no matter what the results, I will trust, and have trusted that God loves me dearly and gave his life for me, so that I would never have to fear sickness or death.