I'd walk away from the scale and look in the mirror...every day. Everyday hating myself a little more.
I look around and I see really adorable women and men who are not 115 pds. They are beautiful and amazing and cute! Some are sexy because they want to be, some are funny, some are confident, but all are beautiful to me. I've never met a gal over 150 pds that I didn't think was beautiful, matter of fact most of the most beautiful women I've met are over 200. And it's not their heart that makes them beautiful it's their looks!
I was diagnosed with R.A. (Rheumatoid Arthritis) about 5 yrs ago and they say that because of this very complexed and confusing disease, that there currently is no cause or cure for it, and weight gain is inevitable.
For years, my self confidence came from my pretty average face that I could enhance with make-up and my 115 pd trusty and loyal scale. That is where my self worth was. Until an affair overtook my confidence. It wiped me out, stripped me naked and challenged me to look at my own dirty heart. This "other woman" had much more attractiveness and sex appeal then I had, she had been able to provide something I couldn't and she robbed me of any pedestal I may have once had in my life. She was more than I could have ever been...and I was left with nothing. Which turned out to be exactly what God needed to capture my heart. From that day on, it was a new life for me, a new world and many many moments on what I call "God's potter's wheel." This is the place where God spends time with you, undoing lies that are embedded in your mind that have made you something different than what you were created to be.
Lately, instead of putting me on the potters wheel to shed what I see as ugly pounds of fat off my body, he has instead challenged me to love myself with all my curves and dimples. He tells me that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. He reminds me that I am beautiful and that the scale and the mirror are lies embedded in my already broken mind and that his word is what holds truth. I haven't found anything in the Bible about going to hell because I've gained weight, I can't find where he rejects those that are over 115 pds either. How about that! If I were to turn on the TV or look at magazines, or billboards, I would see the most beautiful women who everyone wants to be like, weighing in at 115 pds with a drop dead sex symbolic body
Except, I don't want to be a sex symbol. I want to be a wife and a mom, at the same time, my fear of that woman who is so much more than I am, still lingers in my head....all the things she had that I didn't. I wasn't good enough...
Or was I?
What does God say about adultery? What does God say about being a good wife? I'm a good wife, even better after I left my 115 pds. 10 yrs ago. My children are outstanding. My marriage is better than it has ever been. My relationship with God is strong and growing. My life is a miracle and my heart is blessed.
Now this does not mean that I can eat bon bons and sit on my couch all day, but it also doesn't mean that the scale or the mirror can make me hate myself either. There are so many things that make us dislike ourselves. Even at 115 pds. We are pretty hard on ourselves and pretty hard on others. We want to see perfection...but the amazing thing is...Jesus is perfect and when we except Jesus as our Savior...God sees us through his perfection, not through our self perceived imperfections.
Bible Topic Study References: Psalm 139.14, Proverbs 31, Proverbs 7, Genesis 1:27