I come from a broken home. My mother and father divorced when I was 2. I've saw my biological father a few handfuls of time. My mother remarried shortly afterwards only to find her and I in an extremely abusive relationship. After that, we moved in with my Grandpa for a short while and then out on our own for an even shorter while. Then my Mother met her 3rd husband, which was obviously a charm, and this man adopted me.
During this time, I've been to 4 schools in my 12 years and lived in 5 different towns. Now, I'm quite certain many people have done the same or worse, but it created an atmosphere for me in which I didn't know where I fit, or where I belonged. I could blend, or stand out, but I didn't feel I ever fit anywhere. I could count on friendships for a short time, only to know they'd be over in a season.
I remember the first time I walked into our church family. It was that of a family and friendships that I'd wanted for years. The closeness there was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Yet walking in there, meant closing yet another door to my friendships I had prior to giving my life to Christ. Which again, placed me in another environment I had to try to adapt to. But by this time, I learned to be quite the chameleon, blending in to any environment I entered into, at least on the outside, but on the inside, I was still very lonely and very lost. I'd tell others, "I just don't feel like I fit". They couldn't understand.
You see I had changed to please so many environments that I was apart of, I lost sight of me.
That's when it's time to dig in and find your true identity. For me, it was a period of stepping out of everything I knew to stand alone in a very dark place. I continue to remind people that this is NOT the type of thing to do when you are wounded. But during this time, I was grounded in Christ, and I was in search of finding Him, personally, without any sort of environment around me. I needed to determine who God was in my life and how to depend on Him for my needs, instead of searching for love through people and things.
I still search for love from people...that may never change, but that method usually ends in broken hearts for me, so instead, I do the one thing I can do and I try to imitate the love of Christ, and unfortunately many times that falls through.
Yet, one thing is certain, the love of God never fails.
No matter what happens in my outward environment, my inner environment is being healed daily. I'm no longer a Chameleon searching to fit in, but instead a child of God. I'm not adopted, I'm not in a step family, or fearing a separation from biological family. I'm not having to move towns to find it, or new friends. It's simply there, all the time. I'm a part of a family on a much greater level.
In all honesty, I'm alone still much of the time, but I'm rarely lonely.
I'm reminded of the truth in scripture that tells me:
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,
Ephesians 2:19 NIV
I love that our journey to fit in somewhere, CAN land on secure ground, no matter what the road traveled looks like to get there.