As I often do, I whirl winded into thoughts of self pity, longing for things I didn't have, from there to my family dynamics, my past, my childhood, to my broken home, to my broken relationships, to me... broken.
It's true, all of those things, tangible, evident, and repetitive. It all led back to me. Truth...however, is not synonymous with circumstance.
Yes, I can assure you in my self loathing, pity party of emotions that I can still provide you solid facts of why and how these things exist. Right down to the last revelation of my downward spiral, but I assure you, these things, although, true, although painful, although real, does not mean it's "TRUTH".
I thought back to the first couple years my husband and I were married. We had very little, but we were always very happy. I think we struggled at a mere $16,000 a year income between the two of us. We didn't have a spare bed for friends, but we put a mattress on the floor and always had friends stay over. We didn't have a fancy vehicle, but we had a cool old truck that we'd drive in snow and mud while we laughed and laughed. We didn't have a nice house, but my Grandpa always stopped over to play skip-bo. We didn't have a lake cabin, but we had family that loved to camp and tenting in pouring rain was always a memory maker. Then, once we had kids, we didn't seem to have money for fancy gifts, but I learned to make a really cool SpongeBob cake for $2.49 and there was never enough cake for the amount of people who showed up to celebrate with us.
As for the last several years, sadly, I let some major set backs over take me. I let myself believe some pretty harmful things, lies really, that although I could provide evidence of and I could prove without reasonable doubt they exist, weren't "TRUTH", but I wooed them non the less.
I took some time to listen to my Pastor on some old podcasts. He passed away a year ago now, so I'm so thankful for technology in this way. Interestingly enough, I found once again, in his unusually gifted ability to read my mail, he continuing to do so, even though his sermons recorded several years ago.
Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
"Do not think for a moment that the things you think you lack are going to make you happy" His voice rang out. "If you find yourself consumed with wanting anything more than more of Jesus, you need to reevaluate your heart and your motives. I assure you, "things" will not fill the void that only Christ can.
I thought of this man...this man that time and time again took time out of his life, his very extremely busy schedule, to call me on a God prompt, to see if I was ok. If I didn't answer, which many times, I didn't, he would show up on my door step, 70 miles out of his way. Not out of obligation, but because he genuinely loved me. He genuinely knew that my heart was broken from rejection and bitterness, loneliness and insecurity, and he time and time again, found me in my hiding and called me into God's purpose for my life.
Not only did he do this for me... but for countless others, countless, and he followed up with each and every one of his flock like this until the day he left for eternity.
I stepped outside of my pity party, I regrouped. I refocused my sights on Christ.
We can certainly spend time, where ever we desire, but sometimes, we might figure out we have just spent the last 40 years wandering in the desert, on the same old abuse, pain, hurt, negativity, fear, doubt and we've like a broken record, stuck on repeat, rehearsed it over and over again...
we can regroup, reassess, set our sights like flint towards Christ and we can possess the promise land God assured us of, void of things, but full in Christ. I'm no longer a slave to fear...I am a Child of God.